


She

by rainbowangel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eren has feelings and i’ll explore them, F/M, Guess I accidentally made a love square of reiner/reader/eren/mikasa whoops, Morally Grey Reader, Romance, Slow Burn, Soft reader, past eremika
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:48:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28129410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowangel/pseuds/rainbowangel
Summary: “A fellow comrade in the military, but painfully average in skill and appearance.” Zeke comments looking away, unaware of Eren’s grip on his crutch tightening painfully around the wood, splinters pricking his skin go ignored. “Reiner had said the girl couldn’t fight back in simple hand to hand combat, and would rather take punishments to make sure the other kids wouldn’t have to sleep on an empty stomach and miss dinner. A very selfless but dumb girl.”Eren/Reader lol
Relationships: Eren Yeager/Reader
Comments: 174
Kudos: 434





	1. The Wind

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to the titan boy himself, i love him so much, i just wanted soft reader and eren with the whole shoujo romance drama stuff. Also forgive the word vomit i ended up slapping onto the screen im not exactly the next New York Times Best Seller ya kno
> 
> Also not rly important but She by Harry Styles is what i associate w eren/reader and the name of the fic-yes im gross
> 
> U can read this chapter based on these songs that i feel fit this scene hahahah  
> Dear Moon- JeHwi  
> An Ordinary Day- Jung Seung Hwan  
> She’s Dreaming - Exo  
> Sink into the floor - Feng Suave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren reminisces a special moment.

_“Oh love, you know I swear I saw you in the night again_   
_Oh love, 'cause since you left I haven't drawn a single breath_   
_Maybe it's just a daydream_   
_'Cause I've been feeling like I'm floating above the rooms I'm in_   
_Wake up, what a night_   
_The perfect night to sink into the floor and die”_

Sink into the Floor - Feng Suave

  
xxx

**Year 854**

“Eren” Zeke starts, the man’s signature cocky demeanor nowhere to be seen among the two men leaning against the cold wall. Instead he is unusually pensive, closing his eyes gently and letting out a deep sigh from his nose causing the glasses resting on the strong bridge to slide down slightly. 

One unbandaged eye lazily looks to the side at the small movement, the gaze silently penetrating on the older man's face and through it, focusing on neither Zeke or at anything else.

Sensing that Eren was going to hear him out, Zeke readjusted his glasses, eyes looking forward. “The two women you’ve mentioned before, it seems that they both have a significant relationship to you.” Tossing the baseball in his hand up he continues, “I don’t believe that Mikasa is just mindlessly sticking by your side due to the Ackerman bond, like I’ve said already the girl loves you unconditionally. Though I suppose that it can also be due to the fact that you two had engaged in a intimate relationship for a period of time in these four years, no?” Zeke finishes, his question phrased more as a statement.

He truthfully didn’t know if the two were a couple but based on the conversations shared in the past and with the few details Eren has brought up here and there pertaining to the Ackerman girl, he assumed that _something_ had to have gone on between them. And with the way Eren’s mouth had harshly reeled back a scowl, Zeke hit the nail right on the head.

“Ah, sorry I shouldn’t be meddling in whatever affairs you get yourself into.” Zeke lifts his palms up as a barrier between them. “You’re the only one that knows what the two of you are anyway.”

“It really isn’t any of your fucking business.” 

“No it is. I need to know if these two will hinder you from completing our plan,” Zeke replies with a click of his tongue. “As far as the other girl is concerned , I’m afraid I don’t see anything particularly outstanding of her.” He shoves the ball he was playing into his coat’s pocket, fingers gliding over the worn frayed stitches absentmindedly. 

He mentions the second girl’s name with a bored tone, as if even bringing her up was a chore when he had other things to think about, his plan, meeting up with Reiner and the other warriors, his schedule with the Marleyan command.

“A fellow comrade in the military, but painfully average in skill and appearance.” Zeke comments looking away, unaware of Eren’s grip on his crutch tightening painfully around the wood, splinters pricking his skin go ignored. “Reiner had said the girl couldn’t fight back in simple hand to hand combat, and would rather take punishments to make sure the other kids wouldn’t have to sleep on an empty stomach and miss dinner. A very selfless but dumb girl.”

“I think it’s pretty obvious that those with meek hearts aren’t meant to live in this cruel world,” Zeke narrows his eyes, anger swishing around the blue captive in them,”it’s almost a guarantee that they’re only a hindrance to those far superior, and frankly a waste a space.”

Zeke turns his head to look at the other Jaeger, Eren’s face unreadable with the long dark pieces of hair covering most of his face. _Hmm guess Reiner was wrong about the other one. Eren doesn’t seem to care about her-makes sense.. she lacks compared to that Mikasa girl_. Failing to find a change in reaction like he had been hoping to see, Zeke sighs again in frustration, a hand scratching the beard along his jaw-a habit known when he was annoyed. He hums an unknown tune among the silence that fell over the two of them again, neither friendly or comfortable but bystanders walking by paid them no mind.

While this goes on the blonde brother fails to catch Eren’s steeled gaze falter slightly, a mix of emotions bleed through the seafoam green hue unable to be deciphered, but seemingly in troubled thought hinted with the crease of his brows and the small frown tugging on his thin lips. A brief memory passes through him.

x

_Small hands gently brush through a 15 year old Eren’s messy hair, the boy exhausted to comb it after a whole day of being involved with Hange’s experiments all to train his power in becoming stronger in his titan form for the future operation to reclaim wall Maria. Eren observes the field before him, blades of glass move gently in a slow dance from the light wind, sometimes tickling his nose but not enough to cause him to pick his head up from your lap. You continue to carefully work on the small knots, massaging his scalp in the routine. The silence is comfortable between the two of you, and Eren finds it to be a reward after dealing with Hange’s loud character constantly, often ending the experiments with a nagging migraine following him into sleep._

_Feeling the soothing caresses on his head he muses that his head was no longer throbbing painfully, his expression soft, eyes dropping and face free from his usual look-on edge, angry, whatever Jean threw to piss Eren off on most days._

_Fingers run through dark chocolate locks and along his forehead and neck carefully, as if one move would disrupt their little sanctuary among the titan hell tormenting the land of Paradis. ‘You remind me of mom the more I spend time with you...She used to do this for dad when they were together and I was around to see it. It was really embarrassing because it felt like I wasn’t supposed to see something so private...but I guess I get why dad would let mom do it.. it feels good being taken care of.’ Eren thinks briefly about his parents, noting how the two showed their appreciation to one another, his ears and cheeks flushing a warm pink against the cool weather._

_With the thought in mind he quietly says your name to get your attention, your fingers never stopping their caress, humming to let him know you were listening._

_“This might sound weird but..u-uhm I’d think you would make a good mom one day.”Eren whispers, ears burning and facing away from you, trying to save himself he continues, “Like you’ve taken care of so many of us during training, especially dealing with Sasha and Connie’s antics that you kind of act like one? I don’t mean it in a bad way I swear! You’re just really kind and you never yell even when you’re pissed off at Jean harassing the girls, all you had to do was talk to him and he shuts up like a-“ Eren believes he’s too far gone to be saved rambling with no end when he’s interrupted by your laugh. Taken aback he turns his head to look up at you, his eyes wide and mouth slightly parted._

_You look down at him with a small grin, failing to keep more giggles from escaping through your teeth, your hair bouncing around you, cheeks bleeding a cute apricot tone. Eren is at a loss of words but he refuses to blink and openly stares, afraid that if he were to look away just once he’ll never see this image again in his life._

_After your laugh has subsided you wet your lips with your tongue before replying, “You think so? I’ve never held a real baby but the others are basically my babies in a way.” Your lips curl up at the thought of the Survey Corps members as giant babies, “Hmm, but I think an actual baby wouldn’t be as much work to care for compared to someone like Jean.”_

_“Ugh, I can’t even imagine what horse face must’ve been like at that age. I feel bad for his mom.” You poke the tip of his nose to gently chastise him. “Don’t say that Eren, you were probably tough to handle as an infant too.”_

_Eren scrunches up his nose embarrassed to admit that it was true that he was a rowdy kid, dying when his mother talked about Eren to Mikasa one day. He falls silent again for a moment, mulling over what to say._

_“Would you ever want to have kids? I mean I know we’re fighting titans and all… but in an ideal world where humanity doesn’t have to worry about them anymore and it’s peaceful... would you want to start a family?” Eren finishes the last part in a strained whisper, pointing his gaze back to the fields hoping the hair that fell on top of his face can hide the burning flare on his face and frown, smacking himself in the head mentally realizing what he said sounded as if he was asking if you wanted to start a family with ‘him’._

_He assumes that the question must have offended you and just as he’s about to apologize you start caressing his hair again unfazed. “Yeah if it was possible, but I think before that I’d like to meet someone special and get married. It seems silly but I think by that point I”ll probably end up by myself forever since I’ll be too old to be wed.” You say as it was a fact, that no one would consider you to be with._

_Eren lifts himself off of your lap and twists his waist to face you fully so fast you jump slightly. “That’s ridiculous of course someone’s gonna marry you! And if they don’t, then they’re just shitty and not worth your time.” He isn’t sure why he said that so boldly, and with his hands clamming up, throat closing, and heart beat slamming against his ear drums, he feels even more agitated on why his body is behaving like this._

_“Don’t worry about it right now, we’re only 15 once we’re adults then you can worry about marriage and kids when this is all over.” By this point Eren has situated himself next to you, leaning back on his hands and looking up at the stars in the sky, sleep looming over his body and eyelids falling shut for a moment._

_“Eren?”_

_“Hmm, yeah what’s up?”_

_“I wanna get married someday… and be happy. You think that could happen?”_

_“Yeah. We’ll save humanity, and make it happen.”_

  
  


_x_

  
  
  
  


But just as quickly as the memory appears, Eren composes himself in seconds, that moment completely gone unnoticed. Zeke lifts himself up from the wall and turns on his heel, grown bored of the conversation as he planned to get along with the rest of his schedule. “Glad we cleared things up Eren, make sure to stick with the plan.” He turns his head back slightly looking at the bandage man one last time. 

“See you later brother.” Zeke's parting message swept by the wind as he walks away leaving Eren alone on the wall.

  
  



	2. When the world was at war, we kept dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin makes a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, ah thank you all to everyone who left kudos and comments on the first chapter it was literally posted at like 6 am bc i spent the whole night writing it haha. :3 I planned about 20 chapters in an outline with what happens in each one so yes mayb there will be a plot to follow,,, this one is long haha

_“And here it is, our final night alive_   
_And as the earth runs to the ground_   
_Oh girl it's you that I lie with_   
_As the atom bomb locks in_   
_Oh it's you I watch TV with_   
_As the world, as the world caves in”_

As the World Caves in - Matt Maltese

xxx 

**Year 844  
**

Armin understood that humanity had a purpose outside the walls, to explore every inch of the outside until there was no more to be discovered. While the adults around him had regurgitated the same rhetoric that there was nothing worth finding except titans and certain death, he simply believed it to not be true. How could he, especially not after spending hours looking at the forbidden book that detailed what lay beyond the rings, the discovery most impactful being the salty body of water known as _the_ _sea._ He often daydreamed what ifs on how to reach the sea, curious if it does _indeed_ taste salty...and what lies beneath it.

Sometimes he’ll have these conversations with Eren along the riverbank, the latter always enthusiastic when Armin brings up something new about the outside, his eyes often a sharp grey would brighten and display a childlike curiosity underneath in vibrant splashes of greens and blues. Armin thoughtfully ponders if the sea is the same color as Eren’s eyes.

When Eren isn’t around to play, Armin spends most of his time alone and while many may consider it strange, he found the isolation comfortable as it gives him time to sort through the many questions that run through his young mind. Though because of this more often than not, he’s had some rough encounters with some of the other boys that lived in Shiganshina. They never gave him an exact reason to dislike him, but he supposed any was good enough when a larger boy swung a nasty hook into his jaw, knocking his body to the ground with a harsh thud. He never fights back, and Eren criticized that part of Armin’s character saying that he should fight back and protect himself. Armin never does, and it doesn’t mean that he’s embarrassed or angry that he refuses to counter a defense, but rather that he simply doesn’t care about the bullies. There was no point defending his ideas and dreams to those who wouldn’t listen. 

However, just because he dealt with the punches and the kicks didn’t mean that he _couldn’t feel pain_ , and after one fight the bullies had left him clutching his abdomen tightly, body curling in on himself, bruises sporadically blooming on his pale skin not hidden by his clothing, his bottom lip slightly swollen and red. _Ugh...this hurts pretty bad._ He doesn’t move and instead takes deep quick breaths through his nose as a means to distract himself from the pain while tears run down his face without his consent. Armin doesn’t like to cry, but he figures it’s better to let them do their own thing than suppress what he feels at the moment. Even with his eyes screwed shut, he hears the soft footsteps coming towards him before stopping right behind him. He feels a hand gently grasp his shoulder, and he first thought that Eren found him but the lack of his best friend’s usual voice confuses him, now wondering just who could be touching him.

“Hey, you have a lot of bruises...who hurt you? Are you okay?” comes the quiet question of a girl who he thinks is around his age. Groaning, he turns his body to lie on his back, eyes blinking rapidly until he opened his eyes at the girl.

You give him your name slowly, hoping that it would ease the young boy into accepting help from a stranger. Armin merely looks at you for a few seconds, and you note that he must’ve been calculating one of hundreds of responses with the way his round blue eyes narrowed before relaxing. “My name is Armin. About the bruises, it’s nothing really-”unable to finish his sentence when he breathed too quickly and caused his ribs to burn uncomfortably.

“Nothing? You don’t need to lie, I can tell that it hurts a lot, especially with your bruises turning purple.” You caught his lie and you seemed upset at that but more at him hiding his pain. “I’m not going to ask why...but I can’t leave you here like this.” Your small mouth forms a frown as your eyes trail over his body, “ My house is nearby, come with me okay? I swear I’m not a bad person but I have some bandages and ointment…”

Your hand nervously grasps his and Armin considers the offer for a moment, and after deciding that he felt he could trust you-or rather thought you would be as stubborn as Eren and would drag him anyway- he merely gave a nod of his head. Looking satisfied you carefully helped him to his feet, one short arm wrapping around his waist while the other brought one arm over your shoulder firmly holding it in place. Now situated, you break your gaze from Armin’s face and begin walking forward to your home.

“Let’s go Armin.”

x

Sitting at the table in your home, now covered in ointment and wrapped in bandages done amateurly, Armin believes that he does in fact feel a lot better than he felt an hour ago. He glances over at you sitting next to him putting away the materials into a wooden box thinking about what to say, before giving in and deciding to tell you the truth of what happened earlier that day.

“I got beat up again by my ‘bullies’, and since I don’t fight back they went at me a bit rougher than usual.” He says quickly, staring at a corner refusing to look at you.

“This happens often?” Your voice lowers to a whisper. “Why do they feel the need to hurt you?”

“....” Armin hesitates, debating on whether he should tell you about the book, what’s outside the walls. Turning his head to you he continues, “My parents have an illegal book, and in it there’s a large amount of information on what’s out there- beyond the walls.” He watches your expression, expecting you to not believe him but instead he finds your gaze unwavering, eyebrows furrowing nodding at him to go on. “Inside there’s pages mentioning land covered by ice, endless forests, and rocks that take days to climb and more that we haven’t seen. There’s a body of water that’s known as the sea, a salt lake so big no merchant could deplete, not even in a lifetime…” Armin grows bolder as the familiar rush of excitement builds up in his body again.

“I don’t think humanity was meant to stay confined in the walls, and I feel that the royal family is hiding information about what’s out there. I _know_ there’s titans blocking us and the walls are meant to protect us, but if we don’t take the chance to explore the outside then all humanity is doing is living in fear of the unknown.”

“I want to travel around the world and see it with my own eyes. I want to see for myself if the things in that book are true.” Armin finishes, noticing that his hand had formed a fist unconsciously. He looks over at you again and sure enough you’re displaying the same reaction Eren had when Armin mentioned this to him. Large eyes twinkled with questions,and mouth shaping a small ‘o’, he feels his face feeling a bit warm, suddenly feeling shy. You stood up and reached out your small hands towards his, fingers intertwining. Bouncing on your heels, you gave him a bright smile, “That’s amazing! Can I go see the ocean with you too?”

Armin hums in agreement a small smile blooming on his lips. “If you want, I can show you the book tomorrow.”

x

  
  


From then on, a friendship had developed between the two of you. Armin would try to spend as much time around you, promising to introduce you to his best friend Eren sooner or later. 

_“Eren is a nice person, so I’m sure that you two will get along, though he’s a bit stubborn and loud he means well.”_

_“Ah, he does. He’s always busy with his family right? You don’t need to bother him about it, when you two are both free you guys should come over and I’ll have mama make some of the pastries you like.”_

_“Mhm! Eren likes to eat anything for free so it’ll take little to convince him to hang out.”_

_“He seems really fun to hang out with... I hope I can meet the infamous Eren Jaeger.”_

x

Armin thinks back to that conversation he had with you feeling a bit guilty that he hasn’t been able to let the two of you meet, recalling that the couple of times that he had brought you up to Eren, the boy was curious to see who you were. In fact, what seemed like a perfect opportunity fell short when Eren brought Mikasa over to their usual hangout spot one day, explaining to Armin that Mikasa’s family was regularly seen by his father as patients and that at the last visit found that her parents were murdered brutally by traffickers. The quiet girl was standing next to him, her neck wrapped in the soft red scarf Armin had recognized as Eren’s listening intently.

Eren continued to explain that he had found her tied up in a hidden cabin further up the mountain and fearing that the traffickers were going to do something horrible, he killed two of the three in cold blood, the latter stabbed by Mikasa. Armin was surprised but understood that the two must’ve been in a dangerous situation to resort to drastic measures so he didn’t judge what they had done, instead grateful that the two managed to get out safely.

Mikasa hardly ever spoke, the times where she did it’d be to reprimand Eren for throwing himself headfirst into fights. Being the stronger of the trio, she usually was the one that ended up scaring away the bullies that would come up to bother him and Armin(She didn’t throw fists, but her presence was threatening enough). _Mikasa’s very strong, but she’s also very kind. It’s clear that she cares a lot about Eren._ He finds himself thinking that a lot as he observes the two when they all hang out, Mikasa warily following him making sure that he doesn’t drag himself into further trouble like a mother goose chasing its waddling baby duckling. Armin finds that you and Mikasa are a bit similar in that aspect, both concerned over the well being of your friends. 

  
x  
  
  


**Year 845**

Consequently, as time passed Armin found himself spending more time with Eren and Mikasa, the trio spending almost all of their free time available hanging out. He did wish that you would be able to join them sometime. He apologized one evening when the two of you sitting on the rock stairs overlooking the waterway, both munching on warm fresh baked muffins mama had prepared earlier in the day. After swallowing on a large bite he says your name and turns to you. “I’m sorry that you haven’t been able to meet Eren and Mikasa yet, I know that me just retelling you the things we do aren’t as fun as actually experiencing it yourself,” Armin’s hand clam up just a bit and an embarrassed blush covers his face, “It sounds like an excuse, but I promise I’m going to introduce you to them tomorrow! Don’t tell Eren I said anything but he mentioned that he wants to sign up for the scouts-Mikasa and I both told him it was dangerous but he’s pretty determined to go through with it.”

“That’s good, no?” _Wait ,huh? This isn’t the reaction I was expecting._ “Eren wants to see the ocean as well, so joining the scouts will help him do it.” You reply smoothly. Looking down you brush off some dirt that leapt onto the knee length charcoal skirt with one hand, the other reaching up behind your head, twirling the blue ribbon holding your hair up away from your face. “I see why you guys are hesitant about it, trust me I feel the same… but from what I’ve heard of him, it seems that once he has a goal he’ll do anything to reach it and that’s not bad at all.”

Looking back at Armin, you let your lips pout sofly, “But Armin... if the opportunity presented itself to let you venture outside of the walls, wouldn’t you take it, too?”

Once again he finds himself silent at your question, unsure of how to answer. The obvious answer should be ‘yes’, because that’s what he’s been focused on for the longest time. He’s read the forbidden book at least 10 times front to back, always hoping for a new secret message to pop up in front of him, a lead on _anything_ that could hint at something else that could be out there, but Armin finds himself faltering, remembering that titans were very real, and a _very real threat._ And although Armin himself has yet to see a titan in person, he shudders at the thought that the titans have murdered so many soldiers easily without a care.

“I-I don’t know at least right now. I guess as long as the titans are around there’ll always be danger when venturing outside of the walls, but I’d have to do it eventually regardless if I’m scared.”

“Hmm. I feel you, I’m jealous Eren isn’t scared about having to fight them in the future..” You drawl out, now pulling your knees up to rest your chin against them. The movement causes some of your hair to fall out of the ribbon and hide your face from Armin, long pieces framing delicately. For a while nothing is said between the two of you, the sun now having set completely, the sky being painted with indigo, violet, and orange mixing together, a sight to truly behold.

“I think the scouts are returning from their expedition tomorrow, so I want to see if I can get all of us together to go see them, and then from there we can just hang out like usual.” Armin throws out, content with the idea that now all four of you can play with each other and no one can be left out. You hum back, seeming to agree with his idea. Slowly standing up you turn towards him, leaning one arm on your knee and holding out your other hand towards him in an open invitation to what exactly it is, well he isn’t sure. You’re looking down at him with a demure air, hands opening and closing hestitanly, “Would you like to dance with me?” Looking ahead of him he sees that your face is covered in a pink flush, concerned if you're becoming ill.

“Huh?”

“...” Seconds go by. “Well people usually dance and hold festivals to celebrate something, so I’m saying we should celebrate the long awaited meeting between Eren, Mikasa,and I.” _Oh._

Armin gives you a reassuring smile as he reaches forward and grips your hand firmly letting you pull him up, “Sure, what shall the toast be?” His free hand holding up an imaginary wine glass he’s seen the adults use. “Ah, I’m not sure. I guess ‘ _To friends_ ’?” You say slowly, biting back a laugh. “ _To friends”._ The two of you clink together the invisible glasses, and the both of you begin to dance, neither knowing exactly how to do it correctly but having fun nonetheless.

x

So when the next day comes around and Eren, Mikasa, and Armin are looking up at the wall, staring directly at the monstrous titan looming over,as titans have made their way inside with citizens running to avoid being eaten, he’s filled with an immense sense of dread. _Where are you?Pleasebesfaepleasebesafeohmygodyouhavetobealiveyouhaveto-_ ”Eren!” At the sound of Mikasa’s scream Armin snaps out of it watching Eren run in the opposite direction towards the titans. “Are you insane!? We have to head towards the boat-””No! My-my house is over there! Mom’s alone..oh god...I have to go get her!” He screams in anguish picking up speed as Mikasa runs behind him.

Armin follows the crowd towards safety, internally fighting over whether he should have followed the others, before realizing he could check your home to see if you were there. Making his way over to the area where your house resided he cupped his hands around his mouth to project his voice over the screams of those around him. _Where are you? Shit. Shit. This is bad. C’mon please be alive!_ He twists his neck all around, eyes darting frantically in hopes of seeing you before his head stops suddenly, eyes widening in horror as he looks forward at the sight in front of him.

_Crushed under a giant rock lay your mama, body torn, laying in a pool of blood. A good chunk of her skull was missing and the internal cavity nothing more than mush. Lifeless eyes staring back at him._

He stops himself from vomiting at the scene, taking a few steps back he looks down and notices that a blue ribbon wrapped itself around his ankle with a few drops of blood.Picking it up he realizes he recognized the ribbon. _It’s yours._ Before Armin can even process this information he’s yanked forcefully by the neck of his shirt’s collar by his grandfather. “Armin, we need to leave. Now. The boat’s quickly filling up and if we don’t hurry we’re as good as dead.”

x

  
  


Sitting on the crowded boat Armin’s body shakes against his will, horrified at what has transpired in a few hours, agonizing over whether Eren and Mikasa survived. Opening his palm he glances down at the blood stained ribbon, feeling his chest tighten not knowing where you were, he reunites with the other two and mentions how he couldn’t find you. Mikasa had not met you in person and didn't really have much to say, but her expression fell in sympathy knowing that you were also a special friend to Armin. Eren seemed more upset, face cast in a shadow as his fists shook, but saying nothing.

“I’m sorry, I wanted you guys to meet her. I should have done it sooner.”

“Armin it’s okay, I don’t think she’s dead, all we can do is hope that she survived with the other refugees.”

“But Mikasa, how can you be sure?” Armin’s lip trembles, eyes misting up. He doesn’t want to cry but he feels like an idiot. Blaming himself that he brought upon bad luck to you. Mikasa begins to open her mouth to form a reply when Eren’s voice breaks through. “She wanted to see the ocean too Armin. You mentioned that you wanted all of us to go see it together,” Eren looks away from them, eyes unfocused at the distance ahead of them, “ She has to survive for that to happen, so we’ll find her, don’t worry about it.”

Armin lowers his head as he thinks about Eren’s words, trusting that what he’s saying must be true. Mikasa places a hand on his shoulder in her unique way of comforting him.

_Yeah. You need to stay alive, you have to see the ocean._

  
  


x

  
**Year 847  
**

  
  


Armin stands beside multiple fresh faced cadets among the 104th training corps, hand cramping after holding the salute for what feels like hours under the burning sun. He looks around, noticing Eren ahead of him a few rows in front and Mikasa farther along the line. As Commander Shadis made his rounds scaring the next victim among them, he lazily looked around the rest of the cadets, not finding anyone he could recognize from Shiganshina. 

However just as quickly, his muscles tensed up immediately, mouth dropping open as he focused his attention to the cadet next to- he recalled his name as _Connie Springer?_ There in plain sight holding up the cadet’s hair was a blue ribbon, bouncing from the breeze, hair color and texture the same as he remembers. While their back was facing him, he didn’t need to second guess his suspicions. You survived. And here you were enlisted in the military along with the trio.

_You made it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahah yes its 4:37 am,,,yes I spent the whole night writing this while listening to Meltdown by Rin on loop.  
> This chapter was centered around Armin to help establish the relationship reader develops with him and Eremika. Also i think it helps keep the suspense of when Eren and the reader actually meet. I feel it's more possible to imagine instead of like joining the gang from the get-go or during training. nah we gotta have backstory.
> 
> Back to what i was saying, Armin has a good judgement of character so his observation of the reader will be pretty important as the story goes on especially when *cough* feelings start building up. anyway until next time everyone, i hope u liked this chapter :333


	3. When I'm with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren discovers as time goes on that you think about other people before yourself, and he isn’t sure whether to call you foolish or admire your character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some fluff and relationship building, here is the long awaited meeting of eren and reader, hehe how will things develop? Kids don’t understand feelings and i don’t either :3 this is my favorite chapter so far, so i took the time to really make the moments w the characters pretty

_“The more you try to get far away_   
_The more I want to go to you_   
_The more you try to turn away_   
_The more I wanna catch your eye_   
_The more you try to get far away_   
_The more I want to go to you_   
_All you have to do is just look at me like you are right now_   
_I need your attention”_   
  


Kiss My Lips - BoA

xxx

**Year 847**

  
  


Throughout the day, Armin had been rather absorbed in an internal battle with his anxiety. Experiencing wave after wave of different emotions: grief, relief, _panic_ , dread-all in the span of a couple of hours, he was mentally drained. He tried to reel it in, force it down his throat dry to the deepest cavity of his stomach desperately preventing it from letting it show on his face and posture. He tries to not let the surprise get to him, plastering a face that isn’t quite serious, shown by the creasing of his forehead and tight frown which he can just give an excuse of “first day jitters” to anyone who might ask.

He _tries_ to not jump when Eren puts a hand on his shoulder to pull him over to the mess hall where all the new recruits are, dinner now ready.

He _tries_ to not make his staring obvious, eyes wide shifting back and forth inside the crowded building searching for the satin blue ribbon. Sweat develops on his forehead and breath falls out of step just a bit, but he swears Eren and Mikasa won’t notice.

“Armin, seriously what the hell is going on with you?” Eren’s voice is one of concern, perhaps with a trace of annoyance, jaw clenching. “You’ve been picking at your food for 15 minutes and me and Mikasa have already finished.”

Well, he _tried_.

Armin focuses his attention on Eren's eyes looking at him expectantly, Mikasa beside him also staring at him- no through his body picking him apart. A rush of embarrassment runs through his veins, because he’s seen these looks before from his best friends many times. They knew he was keeping something from them. Unable to keep eye contact he directs his gaze to the plate in front of him, dinner now only more than a pile of mush, and hardly appetizing. He ignores the nausea hitting him, instead letting out a failed cough. Geez, he has to get better at keeping cool.

Patience seeming to grow thin Eren speaks up again, voice rising, but not enough to attract the attention of the tables around them. “Armin, c’mon are you going to tell us-” But Eren never gets to finish his sentence, Armin interrupting with your name, giving up on being composed, his expression dark. “She’s here.” He lets out a breath he didn’t know was holding in. “I saw her during lineup today ahead of me, she has a ribbon on her hair like the one she always wore when we were younger.”

“Did you get a glimpse of her face? I don’t think her name was called out by Instructor Shadis”. This time Mikasa speaks up, skeptical of what Armin was telling her and Eren. “...Well, no. That’s why I was hoping I might see her right now during dinner.”

“Well, you’re never gonna get anywhere by just staring, so we’re just going to have to call her out and see if the person you saw was actually her.” With this, Eren stands up quickly, cupping his hands around his mouth to project his voice. If you were here among the cadets, this would surely get your attention. Eren wants to believe Armin for his sake, but he’s just as wary.

“...Armin?”

Armin and Mikasa let out a gasp, jaws going slack staring at the person behind Eren. Armin nearly knocks Eren over as he nearly leaps out of his seat and pushes past him. It’s you, you’re absolutely _not_ dead, and you’re here in front of them and Armin has to dig his fingernails into the skin of his palms as he stands in front of you now. “I…” He isn’t sure what to say after these two years, and he questions if he’s staring at a ghost in your place. But you give in first, reaching forward to grab his limp wrist and you hesitate before gripping his wrist delicately, afraid of scaring him.

“Hi.” A nervous smile breaks through on your face. “It’s been a while, hm?” You tilt your head to the side slightly.

“Y-yeah. How..?” He can’t speak. Oh god, the nausea’s back.

“I’ll tell you later, I was sitting on the other side of the hall with Connie since we were next to each other this morning. He asked me where I’m from and since I mentioned Shiganshina, a guy named Jean overheard and said that there were a few others who signed up from there and pointed me over here.” Armin nods his head, too overwhelmed but he’s happy you’re safe. 

“We have plenty of time to catch up later.” He lets out, proud that his voice didn’t fail him. “I owe you a late introduction.” _Late? It has to be three years minimum._ He turns his body back to Eren and Mikasa with you peeking behind his shoulder. You give a small wave, letting them know that you meant no harm. After giving them your name, you let out a laugh that surprised all three of them.

“Ah, it’s nice to meet you both. Armin’s been waiting for this day for _years.”_

x

  
  


Eren hates being confused, for good reason. Being confused brings up questions that sometimes have answers that don’t satisfy him. It agitates him to the bone, blood warming up and mood turning sour when he can’t understand something. He was confused why humanity would rather live like sheep not venturing outside the walls, complacent and settling for a mundane lifestyle inside.

**_‘There’s nothing out there worth seeing. All of humanity resides in the walls. Leaving the safety of the walls is a guaranteed suicide.’_ **

He was frustrated when titans broke through the wall and he was weak, small and helpless to save his mother from being consumed by the disgusting _monsters_ with their shit-eating grin on their faces without any sense of remorse, never satisfied with one kill. No, it was _never enough_ for the titans.

_‘Why did mom have to die?_ **_It’s because you’re weak, there was nothing you ‘could’ do.’_ **

He was pissed when he struggled to get the hang of balancing in the air with the vertical movement equipment, losing count of the amount of times he’s slammed his nose, the back of his skull, and any other part of his body onto the hard ground, surprised that he hasn’t developed any lung issues with the amount of dirt he’s inhaled and probably swallowed on accident. _Fuck, why can’t I get this?_

**_‘Some people aren’t good enough to be soldiers. You can’t only get by with just passion, you have to have the innate skill in the first place to succeed here.’_ **

None of these answers did it for him, in fact these responses only led him to be more unsatisfied, rage growing as time passed. They were all bullshit in his opinion, merely diversions from the truth. 

Eren realizes that besides getting answers that aren’t what he wants, being confused sometimes doesn’t give him _any answers at all_ after meeting you and he doesn’t know why it bothers him. There was nothing wrong with you per say, but you were sort of an enigma. After the “introduction” the four of you had in the mess hall last week, he confirmed that you did behave and looked how Armin described you to him three years ago. He found you a bit awkward at first, because it was clear you didn’t have any experience talking to so many people except Armin, and Eren wondered if you had no friends prior to meeting him. Still, you made the effort to talk to them when you all worked together during the exercises or when you sat with the trio some days in the mess hall (Sasha usually kept a strong grip on you and demanded you be her eating buddy one day, and you didn’t seem to oppose her and went along with it).

So yeah, it was like you were in the group, but _not really_ . And this is one of many thoughts that the twelve year old Eren Jaeger conjures up when he sees you. He doesn’t put too much effort into them, thinking about his priority on getting stronger faster, wishing time could speed up so he can eradicate every titan walking on the earth. _I’ll kill every last one._ It’s strange but it seems to clear his head, passion reignited and his fiery rage kindling with a steady red flame, burning brightly among the darkness of his thoughts.

x

**Year 848**

**(One year into training)**

  
  
  


Eren discovers as time goes on that you think about other people before yourself, and he isn’t sure whether to call you foolish or admire your character. He knows that quality isn’t unique to only you: he’s seen it with Christa saving extra rations for Sasha, when Mikasa purposely avoids slicing titan dummies to let him earn points(he’s told her to stop coddling him multiple times), hell even that horseface Jean willingly (something tells Eren that Marco must’ve coerced him to) shared his notes with everyone to study for their written exams. So, why is he concerned with only you? The answer he’s able to come up with is that he’s confused on what your intentions are acting this selfless. Is it to get into the top ten? Boost your ego (if you have one at all)? Stand out among the rest of the trainees? _No, none of these things are quite right._ Eren thinks that he should ask you about it eventually, but really he doesn’t care that much at this moment, the last time he checked his ranking he was at 14th place and he’ll be damned for not making it into the top ten.

The first time he notices this is when you’re late for the morning roll call, running quickly towards your place in line with bags under your eyes from what looks like lack of sleep, blue ribbon messily pulling your hair away from your face,and your own jacket missing which was rather odd. Usually, you always made sure to look put together. You looked like you were trying to not bring attention to yourself, but luck was never on any cadet’s side when trying to look inconspicuous because Shadis almost always found out. His punishments were never merciful, even with the girls but everyone was surprised that he had revoked your dinner privileges for the whole week for not only being late but also not in proper uniform. 

Eren was close enough to hear Shadis’ yelling, and peeking behind his shoulder he saw that you weren’t upset about it at all, rather that you agreed with him, eyes unwavering. His own widened just a fraction and he felt oddly bothered. During dinner, he overhears from Christa’s table that the reason you were late was because you spent the whole night repairing the large tears made on her jacket during the last ODM exercise, and not wanting Christa to get reprimanded you let her borrow yours since Shadis wouldn’t be able to notice. 

“See? She fixed it so well you can barely see the stitches. No one would be able to tell I tore it unless they were right in front of me!” Christa’s small hands hover over them, admiring your work. Ymir is clearly bothered so she snatched the jacket from her hands, a sardonic smile appearing. “Are you serious, Christa? Anyone could’ve done this.” She’s holding up the jacket with the tips of her fingers, almost as if she was disgusted to touch it more than she had to. “Darling, you should’ve told me first, I could’ve gotten this patched in thirty minutes.”

“What does the puppy get from helping you? She’s probably just trying to get on your good side so she can steal your spot in our rankings.” No one understands why Ymir is acting hostile about you helping her precious Christa, but not a single person seems to stop her. To the table’s shock Christa’s grown tired of Ymir bad mouthing you, slapping her hand putting Ymir momentarily in shock and dropping the jacket to which Christa grabs and cradles it tightly to her chest. “Cut it out Ymir, you know she isn’t like that _at all._ She could care less about the rankings.” her angelic voice hardens, and this makes Eren and the surrounding tables listen into the conversation, the grip on his fork tightening.

“She doesn’t _have_ to do anything for _anyone_ , she could care about only herself and you and plenty of other people wouldn’t bat an eye because everyone else is focused on getting into the military police. It’s not just me Ymir, she’d do the same for anyone here.” Christa’s large doe eyes challenge Ymir’s stare, the latter stunned into silence. _You’re a kind person_ she says with finality, sitting back down. Eventually people go back into their respective conversations, already forgetting about the scene in front of them moments ago.

As Eren adjusts himself for bed, Christa’s words give him a feeling he can’t put a name to, his lips pulling back into a thin line, grey eyes glinting with something unknown. What he does know is that his list of questions just keeps growing about you.

x

  
  


The second instance that Eren is able to witness your selfless actions is of complete accident. At the beginning of the new year, cadets are allowed a couple days off to be able to do whatever they so desired be it shopping, visiting family, or just sleeping in as they were not limited to how they spent their earned time. However in some instances, based on the best cadet’s performance of that particular month, Shadis granted an extra two days off to be used at any point of the year, and it just so happens that Jean got it.

But just as Instructor Shadis can give something he can easily take it away in an instant, holding the reward over his head by telling Jean that if he didn’t leave the stables that hadn’t been cleaned in a while spotless, then he could kiss his opportunity goodbye throwing his head back releasing a guttural laugh before walking away. In the evening in the boy’s room, Bertholdt asked Jean if he was going to go ahead and clean the stables.

“Hah? I don’t think I will, I was going to go visit my mother since she’s been begging me in her letters, but it seems like _way_ too much work. By the time I would complete cleaning I’d be exhausted to even get up to travel to Trost.” Jean says with his signature (Eren thinks dumbass) cocky attitude, arms folding over his chest, his posture relaxed( forced) enough to look unbothered. Eren didn’t know why horseface always tried to pull this stunt out of his ass to impress the other guys, and he still doesn’t get how some actually believe it.

“Dude, if you’re not gonna use those days off give them to me,” Connie is the next to speak up, lying down on his stomach on one of the top bunk beds, “I haven’t seen my own mom in a while, think you can help a guy out?”

“I don’t know, I still have three days to get the stables clean before I can leave so we’ll see.” Jean responds tastefully. Connie being dejected playfully whines, shaking Jean’s arm to get him to give in causing the rest of the guys to burst into laughter, a mix of bass, tenor, and baritone voices amplified in the quarters.

Two days pass and everyone, including Eren himself, are convinced that Jean’s not going to go use his days off to visit his mother, multiple people now in line asking for Jean to give it to someone else, but he still doesn’t budge. Eren believes that Jean’s an idiot for not using the opportunity, seeing that Jean hasn’t packed any clothes or made any arrangements to be out of town. _If I had the chance to go back home to Shiganshina….I’d definitely use it to see mom._ He quickly shakes his head at the thought, slapping himself figuratively. Idiot, mom is dead. There is no home to go back to, remember?

Jealousy. The feeling is jealousy and Eren doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s actually pissed off that Jean has something he doesn’t.

On the third day, Jean is nowhere to be found, his bed made apparently leaving before any of the boys woke up. But it isn’t a day off for the rest of the trainees as Shadis reminds them that today they’ll be doing physical training and conditioning, so Eren has no time to think about Jean’s whereabouts. After successfully finishing the day, Eren breaks away from Mikasa and Armin after dinner, letting them know that he’s headed to bathe, skin sticky from sweat and dirt that clung to his clothes and hair. The bathhouse house is a five minute walk away from the sleeping quarters and between them are the stables. With a towel and a fresh pair of clothes in hand, he makes his way over now wondering if Jean really did clean it up.

So when Eren opens the large door he’s impressed with the upkeep, fresh haylage and water for the horses, floor free from manure and dirt. It’s hard to believe that Jean managed to do this the night before. He walks inside aiming to get a better look when he sees that there’s someone at the end of the box brushing a horse’s coat, their body hidden from his view. As he gets closer he falters in his steps, recognizing your blue ribbon on your hair failing to hold it up, strands sticking out of place in the air and on your face, shining from oil and sweat. He looks further down and sees your long sleeve shirt rolled up to your elbows, along with your uniform pants, covered in dirt. You don’t notice Eren’s presence yet, brows furrowing together and pink tongue peeking out of your lips, in deep concentration on the task in front of you.

_Figures. I knew that asshole would avoid cleaning this place until the last second._

He calls out your name softly, letting you know he’s here and he bites back a laugh at your surprised expression, dropping the brush onto the ground,and hears you curse under your breath. After regaining some of your composure, you slowly walk out of the horse box and make your way over to him. “Eren.” You smooth away some of the fly aways and hair sticking to your forehead to the side and Eren wonders for a split second what you’d look like with your hair down, never having the chance to see it.

“Where’s the shithead who was supposed to clean this place?”

“Shi? Oh, Jean. He left for Trost this morning.” You shift uncomfortably under his gaze. “What’s wrong?” 

“Did he dump this on you so he could leave?” Eren feels his anger flare up. “When he comes back I’m definitely kicking his ass..” There’s no other explanation to this, it’s not as if you’d _willingly take over his chores-_

“Hold on. I volunteered to do it for him so it’s not a problem.” _Okay, so you would. Wait._

“Why?” He says before he can stop himself, confused once again on what your motives were. 

“Why what?” He can’t tell if you’re joking with him, patience thinning.

“Why would you do this and miss out on eating just to do grunt work for hours for that piece of shit?” He’s raising his voice out of annoyance but he’s not aware. “I don’t get you. But you need to stop with this,” Eren motions his hand in the air, “You should focus on performing well to graduate so that you can pick which branch to join, not with people you’re most likely not going to see after our training’s over.” He says, voice full of exasperation. Eren doesn’t know why he’s concerned with how you spend your time here in camp. The list of questions seems to be endless and he hates why he’s so confused with you, how everytime he tries to come up with answers, he grasps air. He thinks you’re silly, were you actually afraid of the threat titans posed onto everyone? Did you mean it how you wanted to see the ocean with him, Armin, and Mikasa? Were you only here to stay in a cushy position within the MP’s? He doesn’t know what _you_ want out of this.

He’s about to say something else when his voice catches in his throat, his grey eyes not leaving your face. “He missed his mom.” You whisper, so quiet Eren thinks that he must’ve imagined it. “He tries really hard to hide it, but I figured he was homesick for a while.” You scratch the inside of your elbow feeling awkward. “We walked around the camp for a while after dinner a couple nights ago, and the topic came up.” You look down, long eyelashes hiding the color of your eyes.

“He really adores his mother, basically a mama’s boy.” A thoughtful smile peeks through. “But he looked so sad I just wanted to see him smile and act like the Jean we all know. That’s why I offered to handle cleaning the stables to let him go see her.” You say matter of factly like there was no reason to oppose the idea. Reaching into your back pocket you pull out the hair brush, walking back to the horse to finish cleaning the remaining matted coat. “Have a nice bath Eren, I hope you sleep well.”

Eren comes up with one answer to the list of questions that plague his mind when he thinks of you: _‘You’re a kind person.’_

He places his towel and clothes on a clean bench and makes his way over to you. “Ere?What are you-” “How many coats do you have left to brush?” Hand gripping the spare brush in a metal bucket. “Ah..just those two right there, they’re full from eating and sleepy so they won’t bother you.” You point to the pair on your left. As he’s turning he feels you grab his hand, turning his head silently questioning if something was wrong. “Thank you for helping me.” You smile, teeth peeking through, the corners slightly crooked but Eren finds himself thinking that it suits you, and that he’d like to see it more often.

“It’s not a problem.” He returns a shy smile of his own.

  
  


x

  
  


**Year 849**

**(Two years into training)**

  
  
  


The third time he sees your character is the strangest one of all, because he’s seen the way you are with the rest of the cadets and by now he’s accepted that he just might never really understand you. That he’s run out of questions to fill in his list stored away in his head, building up dust as he puts all of his effort in training improving as each day passes and watching his rank rise higher and higher. Some people have predicted that he’s going to rank in the top seven and Eren feels relieved for only a moment that his hard work is paying off, telling himself to continue his momentum for just _one more year_ before he can officially join the scouts and truly begin his goal of eliminating the titans.

It’s spring, so the air is a little cooler and the flowers are slowly starting to burst and bloom in their full glory, the winter snow now mostly melted. This month’s best performing cadet ends up falling onto you Shadis says,Connie and Sasha fall to the ground and punch the sky respectively over their defeat. Eren acknowledges your efforts over the last month, greatly improving on the ODM gear and in class. So he could tell you were trying not to show you were _really happy_ about getting recognized, only giving a polite nod and a quiet thank you to Shadis.

This time you end up sitting at Eren’s table, with you seated next to Mikasa with Armin and him on the opposite side. Over the last two years he’s impressed you and her have gotten closer, and while Mikasa still rarely speaks to anyone unless it’s to him or Armin, she seems to relax around you, sometimes letting out a small laugh of her own to a funny story. The topic of the evening is birthdays so everyone at the table says theirs, and it just so happens that Eren’s falls on the 30th of this month. Finished with your food you ask him how he plans to celebrate it.

“Celebrate? No, I don’t usually bother to.” Armin and Mikasa nod their head in agreement. “It’s just another day for me so I don’t think about it too much.” Eren looks up at the roof, thinking.

“I haven’t celebrated it in about three years.” The last time being when his family were still together, happy, safe.

_When he had a home._

_When all he had to worry about was getting firewood and not having to watch his entire district get annihilated._

_When he didn’t have to wake up from the nightmares in a cold sweat and tears silently falling down his cheeks, biting his pillow to muffle any noise._

Eren’s voice clips in the last part, tone dropping slightly but it’s enough that you’re the only one to catch it. Noticing him holding back something from reaching the surface.

“Yeah, considering that everyday is a gamble no one knows whether they’ll live to another year, so people not focusing on that day relieves some of the pressure, at least in the military.” Armin contributes, unaware that Eren has stopped talking.

Mikasa calls your name asking what you were planning to do with your days off, the birthday conversation dropping naturally. “Ah.” You rest your cheek against the arm leaning on the table top. “Good question, honestly I was going to go into town and buy some new clothes, nothing fancy.” She hums, and you take it that she gets you. Before the conversation could develop any further curfew is announced and everyone is told to head back to their respective sleeping quarters to prepare for bed.

  
  


Now under your blanket, you lay on your side unable to fall asleep thinking about Eren’s view on his birthday and how quiet he was after that. You don’t know how but you decide that you’re going to get him something.

x

  
  


It’s the 28th, and today you’re walking around town in a simple white shirt, a black knee length skirt and boots looking around the various shops, eyes absorbing all the new items as you pass by the windows. You didn’t have that much money, so you only purchased another skirt and a hoodie since you didn’t own one (Honestly, it’s because you thought Annie looked good in hers and wanted one yourself). You were returning back tomorrow so you were trying to spot anything worth buying for Eren's birthday.

Truthfully, you were a bit nervous of his reaction to you getting him a gift, being that this would be the first to anyone beside your mama. Armin never told you when his birthday was as children so you never got him anything. You considered Eren as a good friend of yours so you were trying your best to find something that would help deliver your appreciation for him. After a few hours walking around town, dread seemed to fall upon you, unable to find the perfect gift.

Scratching your arm you stop on the street to think. _Oh mama, I don’t know how any of this works...I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of being a friend._ You turn your head to the right lazily, certain there was going to be nothing worth looking at, when you _spot it._ Seeing that the shops around were going to close in less than thirty minutes you rushed inside the store to the person behind the counter, face red and eyes shining with excitement. You dig into the pocket of your skirt to see how much money you had left. _It’s a bit pricey but this is the gift, I have to get this for him._ Price be damned, you were going to celebrate his birthday.

The older gentleman accepts your remaining cash, giving you a gentle smile, his curly mustache seeming to bounce on its own. “It’ll be ready in the morning already packaged, is that alright?”

“Mhm!” Nodding eagerly.

x

  
  


It’s breakfast by the time you make it back to camp the next day, all the beds empty with everyone in the mess hall. Carefully putting the small box into your storage chest, you place some of your regular clothes on top to conceal it with your new clothes off to the side. This was technically your second day off, so you weren’t required to put on your uniform and join class being held today. Walking over to your bed on the lower bunk you fall backwards inelegantly, a groan squeaking out. Now the only thing you could do was wait until dinner to find a chance to talk to Eren alone.

Since all the cadets were in class you took your time getting ready, freshly bathed and throwing on your new outfit. As evening rolled around you were surrounded by some of the girls with Christa gushing about how cute you looked, and Sasha begging you to let her borrow your clothes sometime. Even Annie gave you a small nod, mentioning that she liked the color you chose for your hoodie. Unfortunately, you aren’t able to sit where Eren’s at during dinner as Marco invited you over to sit with him and Jean, reluctantly agreeing. When dinner’s over and everyone begins to return to their beds,you spot Eren alone walking towards the baths. You quickly shuffle your way over to him, avoiding that you were obviously looking for him.

“Eren.” You squeak out. Why was it hard to say his name?

He turns, his brilliant grey eyes recognizing you. “Oh, hey you’re back, how was going into town?” He walks a little slower to accommodate for your shorter legs. “It was nice... I got to eat some fresh bread, and I bought this outfit.” You gesture with your hand down your body.

“Ah.” Eren doesn’t say anything while he looks, and suddenly you’re feeling self conscious.

“I like the hoodie.” He laughs, “Is it because of Annie?”

“Yeah, you’re right. She’s my fashion inspiration.” You let out a giggle of your own. Eren hums as he looks forward, in a good mood.

Eren shuffles his bag into his other arm, when he says your name. “Is today you’re last day off? I’m guessing you have no plans to sleep since you don’t look tired.” It’s there that you notice that Eren is a bit drowsy, eyes half lidded, his eyelashes are long and curl upward and in your head you randomly think, _Eren is pretty._ But the feeling quickly doesn’t last as you realize that you’re basically taking away his time to rest, and now you’re unsure if you should ask him to stay up a little longer. Your lips form into a small pout, eyes misting up.

“Eren.” “Hmm.” You lick your chapped lips more nervous than before. “I wanted to ask if you could meet me out in the field behind the camp later...I just wanted to talk to you for a while longer.” You take a deep breathe already mentally preparing yourself for him saying no-

“Yeah that’s cool with me.” _Wait ,really?_ “We never really have the time for us to just talk alone since it’s always in a group setting. When do you want me to meet you?”

“Uhm...in two hours? You can take your time, I’m not in a rush.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

An hour and a half passes by and by now all the girls have long since fallen asleep, today’s classes mentally exhausting them to which all of them knock out the moment their head hits the pillow. Soft snores are the only noise in the girl’s quarters, and in an effort to avoid making loud sounds you sneak out the door quietly, with your soft cotton socks, gift in your arms. Walking slowly to the back of camp you wonder if Eren fell asleep. Finally, you reach the field sitting at a particular point where it was raised a little higher than the rest of the land, the view ahead being the forest where you trained with your ODM and the night sky, the inky blanket speckled with twinkling stars. You look up absorbed in the beauty when you hear footsteps behind you and your name being called, breaking you out of the serene trance.

Eren’s standing in front of you in comfortable clothes, his dark trousers with a grey long-sleeved shirt, his hair slightly damp- what you guessed from a long bath. “Hey.” You say quietly fearing if you spoke any louder someone might hear you. Which was a little ridiculous since you were both far away from the camp no one would be able to, let alone _see_ the two of you. You look down and notice that Eren has also abandoned wearing shoes, also doting cotton socks.

You grin at this.”We’re matching.” Patting the spot next to you Eren begins to sit down, his long legs stretched out in front of him. “Yes, yes we are.” Silence falls between you two and it gives you a moment to clear your head.”I got you something while I was in town.”

“Huh? Why? you didn’t have to.” He looks at you, eyes tired but his attention is just for you.

“I wanted to.” Reaching from your side you place the box between you two, face flushing. It’s quiet, only the sounds of your breathing and his as you give him a timid smile.

“Happy Birthday, Eren.”

Eren doesn’t say anything for a couple of seconds. Once again, his mind goes back to the list in his brain, where it seems like it grew even longer with questions and more confusion followed. He doesn’t know why you’re doing this for him so he asks.

“Because you’re my friend, and I wanted to give you something to show how much I appreciate you. I think birthdays are important because it’s your special day and the people who love you can tell you how happy they are that you’re a part of their lives.” You nudge his arm to grab the box and open it. It’s a pink box and the inside feels a bit heavy,so he carefully opens the lid.

“Ah.” Eren doesn’t know what to say. Instead his sleepy eyes are now fully open and alert as he stares at the small strawberry shortcake in his hands. It’s a beautiful thing, Eren knows that for sure, and he’s feeling many things, _good_ _things,_ and he once again feels like the ten year old version of himself living carefree.

He looks at you from the corner of his eye, and his breath stills at the sight in front of him. At some point you’ve let your hair down, the blue ribbon wrapped around your wrist, long tresses gently swaying with each breath, curling around your face and shoulders. You’re not looking at him but at the cake he’s holding cheeks bleeding a soft pink, and this time your crooked smile appears only closed and softer.

“Thank you for being born, I’m so happy you’re my friend Eren.”

He’s pretty sure there’s no end to the list. Eren clears his throat feeling his ears and face burn, struggling to will the flush of his skin away. Not trusting his own voice he gives your hand beside him a small squeeze- noticing the contrasts of his rough and scarred,yours smaller and soft - hoping to show that he’s thankful.

  
  


“Thank you.”

  
  


“No problem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if anyone recalls but reader originally wanted to invite eren and co. over to her house to try her mother’s sweets, so...it kind of comes full circle no? It’s really cute i had a great time writing eren and reader’s scenes tgt. This is pretty long so I hope i did a good job on the pacing. Thank you all for reading and i’ll see u in da next chapter :333
> 
> also have u guys noticed i pull all nighters and upload at the crack of dawn lmao its 6:20


	4. I wonder what she thinks of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa tries to understand who you are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone i hope you all had a good christmas and new years, sorry for a long wait i had my bday come up on the 29th(yuh we 21 now) and ive just been sleeping and resting. This chapter took longer than usual to write bc i love mikasa a lot and i want to do her character in this piece justice, so i been rereading the aot manga and using lost girls as inspiration.
> 
> but yeah mika best girl and i want isayama to make eremika canon

_“I'm not the jealous type, I like the other guys_   
_I wish you all the best, I'll help you pick her dress_   
_Then you can both go to Paris, you live in the lavish_   
_I'm actually happy for you_   
_So tell me, tell me, baby, all of this is crazy_   
_You've done this before, so who are you to judge me, me?_   
_It's never wrong when you're in love”_

Wonder What She Thinks Of Me - Chloe x Halle

xxx

**Year 844**

Red is the last color she sees when her parents are brutally murdered in front of her. It’s an angry pigment, bleeding with an intense _fury_ of many emotions- _Disbelief, rage, turmoil, hatred._ The color pumps through her veins, meant to keep her body alive, her heart to keep on beating, to warm her pale complexion.

However, after the scene that had just unfolded in front of those grey eyes, Mikasa wished for nothing more than to be consumed into the abyss of onyx, because in the darkness there is no suffering, no one can touch and hurt her, she doesn’t want to feel anything anymore, it’s all _too_ much for the child. There’s no one there to help her, she’s going to die before she’s even had the chance to live, but defeat passes through her body from fear so she let’s these men take her away.

_Away, away, away, please take me away from here,_ her mind begs to no one in particular, no God, no soldier, no bystander.

She is alone.

x

The next time she sees that ugly color again is not long after, only this time it spills haphazardly from the bodies of her kidnappers. The color oxidizes and turns a shade darker, splattering across the wooden surfaces of the walls and floor of the cabin she was lying on. She briefly looks at the mess around her in a blurred foreign wonder, because while red is a despicable color it paints her otherwise _cruel_ , empty world with more shades: teals,greys,and blues.

Her vision eventually focuses at one point, the new colors no longer fuzzy and floating around her, but centered and encapsulated in a pair of eyes above her. 

A boy who looks to be the same age as her uses the knife used to kill the older men to now free her bound hands. He tells her his name, _Eren Jaeger-_ son of Dr. Jaeger. They know what transpired in her home hours before, they saw it as well, the lifeless bodies of her parents on the floorboards.

Why did it come to this? All she wanted to do was to continue embroidery with her mother, and laugh with her father. 

But such a life was forcibly taken from her.

It happens sooner than the both can comprehend anything as she realizes that the third kidnapper was still missing. The knife falls from Eren’s hands as the boy is violently yanked away from Mikasa. 

The man’s intent is to kill Eren, with hands around his throat, caging his ability to breathe and Mikasa can only look on in horror and mouth hanging open. _He’s going to die, he’s going to die because of me. I can’t move!_ **_Why?????Why can’t I move!?_ ** _,_ her mind is screaming now, loud and desperate.

Through the static in her tormented mind, breaks a snarled , _“FIGHT!”_ coming from Eren, who’s slowly losing his strength to get away from the man.

“If you don’t fight, we’re going to die!” He continues to yell, face turning red-that ugly, _ugly_ color. She’s tired of Red hurting her.

It seems to be the end for the both of them, but still Eren manages to get one more frustrated cry into her head, “If you don’t fight, we can’t win…” His hands lose grip on the man’s wrists, now flailing on his sides limply and Mikasa sees Red once again.

  
  


Red took away all that she had, but just for a second Mikasa allows it to flow into her body once again, with a newfound strength and determination. 

Gripping the knife with her small hands, veins pulsating painfully but she pays no mind. One step turns to two, and she’s running forward. _I’m ending this now._

And so she does.

x

Time seems to drag on for hours she thinks, her mind disassociates from her body, because she feels herself freezing to the bone. Mikasa considers the possibility that her body is turning numb and blue from the inside out. In a way, she’s relieved that the horrible color has finally left her for good.

_I’m fine._ Mikasa tells herself. But is she really?

Adjusting the oversized jacket Dr. Jaeger had put on her shoulders to bury herself in it more, she meekly asks where she should go now that she has no home. Her already quiet voice is even more demure, attached with a large confliction of sadness as she looks down at her feet, her eyes dull and full with everything and nothing.

It takes a couple of seconds for herself to come back to reality, due to the feeling of something being wrapped around her head. Mikasa figures that it’s a scarf, _Eren’s._

“You can have this.” Eren tells her, a small blush paints the top of his nose and ears. “It’s warm right?”

“...”

_It is warm. It’s wonderful._ Mikasa notes in her head. She takes in a large inhale through her nose, smelling the aroma of the scarf, the hint of the fiery embers from the makeshift fire, the cool air around them.

Once again it is _too_ much for the nine year old girl, but a comforting feeling washes over her body, her stomach prickling with butterflies.

Red is the first color she sees when her life was born anew from the boy in front of her. And Mikasa thinks that it is no longer ugly, but beautiful.

She reaches a hand to carefully smooth her fingers over the fabric bundled above her neck, large starry globs of tears form and fall down her porcelain cheeks.

_Mikasa is no longer alone, because Eren is with her._

“Let’s hurry up and go home.” A hand gently tugs on her sleeve.

_Mikasa is no longer alone, because Eren is her new home._

She doesn’t stop the tears from falling anymore, and looks on at him in awe, and wonders if she’ll ever get to understand why he is so kind to her.

“...Okay.”

“Let’s go home.”

Mikasa is no longer in the abyss of black, for Eren has enveloped her heart and body in a warm red, and all she knows is that she wants the feeling to stay for as long as possible.

_Mikasa is no longer alone, because she will be beside Eren for the rest of her life_.

  
  


x

**Year 847**

  
  


Blue is the newest color to make a statement in her eyes. However, this blue is not vibrant like the one that adorns the sky above. It is neither crystal clear like the azure in Armin’s eyes that absorb everything around him. 

It’s a darker color, bordering black almost, she finds the ribbon to look murky, and Mikasa doesn’t understand why someone would _like_ that particular shade enough. It’s a stark contrast to the neutral palette around them in the mess hall.

Armin seems to find something significant about the ribbon, or rather the _girl_ he introduced to her and Eren.

Mikasa recalls that you are the faceless friend of his that Armin has talked to them about on multiple occasions before the fall of wall Maria, and she too was curious to know your identity. You seemed nice enough and she didn’t feel any sense of danger when she looked at you so she released the tension residing on her shoulders and gaze.

When Mikasa goes to adjust herself on her new bed for the next three years, she questions how you will immerse yourself into the trio’s dynamic.

She comes to no answer as the gentle rocking of sleep consumes her.

x

  
  


If Mikasa could describe you in just one word, it would be _odd._ It is neither a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ phrase, but she feels that it’s accurate enough. From the way you sleep on your cot with the one pillow clutched to your chest, head very clearly bent in an unnatural way, the way that you inhale just as much food as Sasha during dinner without choking, to your manner of speech-you slur your words often from what she guesses is anxiety.

When there are times that you and her are working together like cleaning the girls’ room or ODM gear there are hardly any words shared between the two of you. Normally, Mikasa is fine with not talking to anyone besides Eren and Armin as she believes that involving herself into friendships with the other cadets will take away precious time spent with them. There is no reason for her to be vulnerable and truthful to anyone here.

Mikasa is fine with her single color of Red to her canvas. No other paints can compare in vibrancy and impact.

  
  


While sitting beside each other, continuing to clean the remaining gear on the list, it’s your voice that breaks through the long silence.

“Hey, Mikasa,” She hears the rag squeak of the surface of the canisters you’re holding, “what’s your favorite color?”

She raises her head, hands pausing their task as she looks towards you with a blank expression. She’s quiet for a few seconds, as she thinks that no one has ever asked _her_ what she likes.

“Um….I suppose it would be Red.” Mikasa thumbs her scarf around her neck. “Sasha says it’s obvious because of my scarf.” She rolls out the last part with a strain, and she feels the inside of her mouth gone dry.

_Why am I nervous?_ She thinks- she can’t recall the last time she talked about herself to anyone, Mikasa usually the listener to whatever spiel Eren and Armin come up with.

“I guess, but those are just assumptions. But why do you like it?” You ask, now turning your body towards her, giving your full attention, and Mikasa feels strange.

“Why do I like what? The color red?”

“Yeah, there usually isn’t any reason to like certain colors, but if it’s your favorite _surely_ there’s one,no?”

Mikasa's breath catches in the back of her throat, and she _knows_ her face is heating up uncomfortably. She’s confused as to why your question is causing her body to react this way. You’re not asking her why she’s always by Eren’s side, and neither questioning her past or why she’s here in the cadet corps.

All you asked was what _Mikasa_ likes. Her. But why?

She knows a couple of minutes have gone by and if you were frustrated with how long time has dragged you didn’t show it.

But you’re just looking at her, eyes soft, unwavering, you don’t have a smile, and you’re not laughing.

She realizes you’re just waiting for her to continue when she’s ready.

Mikasa clears her throat, “I never had a favorite color when I was a child.” She keeps her stormy grey eyes on her boots. “But I experienced something horrible three years ago and all I wanted was to die.”

“But Eren saved me.” You don’t ask her to explain and Mikasa is grateful. “He wrapped this scarf around me and told me I could keep it.”

She reaches a hand to pull the scarf up above her nose to take in a breath. The scent calms her down.

“I’m thankful to him, it just so happens that the scarf is red, but when I touch it I feel warm and I think of him.” Her long lashes flutter shut hiding her eyes from the world around her.

“Being with Eren is as if the color red consumes me, in a good way. I just...want to be by his side for as long as I’m alive.”

The conversation comes to a stop naturally, and you nod your head as she finishes, a small smile forms on your face.

“I understand. I think you chose a good color to like.” A cheeky grin is directed towards her. Mikasa thinks that even now you act odd.

“...What do you mean?”

“Because it shows on your face! And you just _glow.”_ Mikasa is taken aback by your compliment, choosing to return a bashful smile of her own.

With that the two of you finish your task of the day, and walk together towards the mess hall for dinner.

_Ah, I wonder what her favorite color is. I should ask her the next time we’re together._

  
  


_x_

**Year 848**

  
  


Yellow is the third color exposed to her as you solidify yourself into her tiny bubble. It has never been officially discussed between the two of you but there’s an understanding that you both are each other’s friend. In over a year the two of you have progressed to having more lengthy conversations, not enough to bare her soul to you (Mikasa’s still not sure if she’ll tell you her past one day), but enough to share jokes before bed, the lessons on squad formation, and other mundane things.

The days when you sit with the trio are welcomed, and she finds herself amused as she silently watches you, Armin, and Eren theorize what Shadis would look like with a full head of hair.

Recently, training has increased in difficulty, so much that even Mikasa has developed fatigue. She’s tried to ignore the scream of her torn muscles, body aching more often, head spinning from the constant movement in the air at high speed. _Rest,_ the rational part of her mind says but she refuses to listen.

She has to keep pushing herself past her limits. 

_I need to get stronger so I can stay by Eren’s side._

Mikasa cannot allow herself the luxury of relaxing. Right now she’s been avoiding getting sick as she’s usually in perfect health. But the signs are present as small as they are. It started with fatigue, which has caused her slices into the titan dummy’s necks to be more sluggish and jagged-abnormal from their usual pristine sweeps.

She feels clammy with an uncomfortable burn inside her body, and has had horrible periods of nausea the past couple of days. Mikasa also sniffles but it can be hidden from behind her scarf.

_It’ll be gone soon. I just have to keep going._ She reminds herself. Mikasa focuses back on her friends, thankful no one has noticed her zone out.

  
  


x

  
  


Someone notices. _You._

  
  


While Mikasa isn’t the most vocal about how she feels with you, with the amount of time you spent with her, you’ve picked up on a few of her behaviors. You know when Mikasa is content, when she’s annoyed by how her eyes harden into a glare, when she focuses during training, turning into an unbreakable soldier. You find her fascinating at just how gifted she is.

She also reflects a cold emotionless barrier around herself to hide how she feels, and you’ve experienced it first hand, but it’s been more...apparent. Armin and Eren haven’t been able to pick up on it and you figured it’s because they're used to her quiet nature, thus they never analyze too hard on how she acts.

As you both head towards the baths before bed, you couldn’t help but gnaw on your bottom lip from worry, debating on asking Mikasa if she was okay.

“What is it.” Mikasa asks, but it sounds like a statement like she _knows_ you’re trying to say something.

You’re not going to lie, when she acts cold it sets your nerves ablaze and you don’t know how to handle it.

“Areyu okay?” You’re slurring your words and you want to slam your head with the closest rock around. Great, you sound crazy, but friends are supposed to be there for each other right?

You’re still not used to having ‘friends’, but you supposed that as long as you let them know that ‘Hey, I’m here if you want to talk’ they’ll know that you care about them.

_Right?_

For a moment you see something flash behind her charcoal irises, perhaps a realization that you noticed what’s been happening with her, but it disappears instantly, her eyes now darker and you can’t read them anymore.

“I’m fine.” She looks away from you and stares ahead.

“...I don’t think you are. Is-”

“Drop it, I’m okay.” Mikasa says, face stoic and voice containing a hidden layer of annoyance. You don’t know if she’s really bothered by what you asked, and instead give up feeling embarrassed that you made a friend upset.

“Alright.” 

It’s silent in the baths.

  
  


x

  
  


It’s pouring profusely with rain the next day during training, today Shadis is making the cadets work in pairs for a fake “rescue” mission in the forest. A dummy soldier is tactfully hidden inside somewhere, and the goal is to find it within 15 minutes, the catch being that their gas tank is only meant to be filled halfway.

_“Failure to rescue the dummy soldier within the allotted time frame, or if your tank runs out before you are out of the forest means that you receive zero points for this exercise.”_ Shadis tells everyone.

_“This is a pair exercise, meaning that you must work together with your partner. That means both of you must leave the forest together.”_

The exercise moves along well, and as fate has it pairs you and Mikasa together. It’s awkward and neither of you are speaking to each other after the (failed) conversation the night before. 

You inconspicuously glance over her, eyes widening when you notice she looks paler than usual, almost a ghostly white that paints her skin, her brows are knit together tightly, and her breathing is shallow to which you’re the only person close enough to hear.

_She’s ill. Why hasn’t she gone to the infirmary to get checked out?_

Your names are soon called and the time begins with Mikasa shooting her hooks ahead and putting a large distance between you, effectively ignoring Shadis’ advice.

As you make your way through the forest, spinning and avoiding the large branches, you can’t help but get a bad feeling that Mikasa is _a lot_ worse than she looks and you need her to stop pushing herself so hard right now.

“Mikasa! Hold on- we need to work together or we’lljust waste gas!” Your eyes frantically look all over for the dummy soldier but nothing stands out.

_C‘mon!!! Listen to me, please._ You plead in your head.

If Mikasa heard you, she didn’t make any notion that she did, only continuing to use more of her gas to propel her body higher and have more area to search. 

She’s going to fall soon. With the little amount of gas left in Mikasa's tanks she’s flying erratically looking for the dummy.

  
  


As if sensing you, she releases a large amount of gas to shoot forward several hundred feet into the dark forest effectively losing you. 

“MIKASA! CUT IT OUT!” You push on ahead, trying to find her now that seven minutes have passed. Eventually, out of the corner of your eye you find the dummy you were meant to rescue hidden in a large hole inside the bark of a large tree.

Once securing the rescue soldier onto your back, you start heading towards the edge of the forest hoping to catch Mikasa around there. _Where are you???_

Suddenly in the distance you hear a deafening crash of something slamming against a tree, branches snapping loudly and your stomach falls. _Mikasa! Shit, her gas ran out._

Flying over in the direction of the noise your heart beats loudly against your chest threatening to burst. She has to be okay, you think.

The scene in front of you has you nearly dropping the dummy to the ground, with Mikasa limply hanging from her ODM gear, wires tangled, unconscious with a clear head wound. As you try to carefully remove the gear from her hips to carry her, you notice her scarf missing from its home on her neck. 

Looking up you find that the scarf was hanging off a branch severely torn. Giving her body a once over, you raise a hand to her forehead reeling back noting she felt _way_ too hot to just be sick.

“She’s seriously not okay.” You end up mumbling as you gently remove the tattered scarf from the branch and stuffing it under your shirt, afraid of losing it. There was no point risking it dropping.

Fixing Mikasa’s body to your chest, one arm under her knees, the other around her waist, you slightly buckle under the weight of now _two_ human sized rescues.

Dummy soldiers weighed around 130lbs, with Mikasa adding another 100 or so put quite a strain on your muscles. Gritting your teeth you don’t bother checking how much gas is left in your tank as you jump off the branch you were on, focusing on getting out of the forest already having forgotten about the time constraint.

_I’ll get you out of here Mika, just hold on._

_x_

  
  


“She’s built up quite a severe fever for a while. It seems like exhaustion finally took over and caused her to pass out from over-exertion.” The medic tells you. After escaping the forest you left no time for Shadis to yell about your failed rescue attempt, running instead to the infirmary.

“With a couple of days of sleep she’ll be okay.” The medic nods in her direction, Mikasa under a white blanket asleep in a small cot, her head wound now wrapped in clean bandages and a warm rag in her forehead. “I heard she’s the top cadet in the south branch of the training corps, so I have no doubt she’ll recover well.” The medic leaves the two of you alone, walking away.

You’re seated in a chair pulled up next to the side of the cot, gently grasping her hand. “Yeah...she’s the best.” Instead of heading back to the training grounds you decide to stick around watching over Mikasa until she gets better.

_Ah that’s right. Her scarf is torn._

After pulling the scarf out from under your shirt you carefully move your fingers over the frayed tears all over. It’s tattered, and looks unsalvageable, only an experienced seamstress would be able to repair it perfectly, you think. A frown forms on your lips as you remember your first conversation with her.

_“Eren saved me...He wrapped this scarf around me and told me I could keep it.”_

_“..it just so happens that the scarf is red, but when I touch it I feel warm and I think of him.”_

  
  


Anyone could see how dear the scarf in your hands means to her, how much _Eren_ means to her. It’d be a dishonor as a friend- _her friend-_ to see her upset over it being destroyed, the thought of her no longer smiling twists your insides painfully.

“Well,” you stand up slowly avoiding making any noise that could disrupt her rest, “guess I’m not sleeping for the next couple of days.” Mind set on grabbing your sewing materials, ready to repair the cloth.

For her, you’ll do your best to fix her precious scarf.

~~_You tell yourself it’s the scarf you’re mending and not your heart that feels torn for reasons you don’t understand_.~~

x

It’s late into the afternoon when Mikasa finally wakes up, and at first she’s unaware of her surroundings. Eyes still filled with slumber she notices that she’s in the infirmary, but it’s empty.

She carefully rises from the bed, long, slender fingers move to brush back her hair that fell over her face, pausing just as she feels the badgages covering her forehead.

Ah, she remembers slamming into a tree during training and then blacking out, but beyond that nothing.

“Who..did Eren bring me here?” Saying his name, a jolt runs through her realizing that her scarf isn’t on her. Mikasa’s eyes widen and she tries to recall where she could’ve lost it. _Where is it??? Where-I? Eren?_

If she can’t control her breathing she’ll end up driving herself into a panic attack so she focuses on blowing the air out through her nose, her rounded nails digging into her palms painfully surely leaving deep crescents.

After some time passes Mikasa feels okay, her nerves are still shot through the roof but she doesn’t feel a breakdown coming, so that’s good. She looks to the window next to her cot on the right and sees that it’s begun to rain, the sky now covered in overcast and grey clouds.

She looks at the glass, eyes trail over the small droplets that land on the surface, dancing from gravity down to the window sill, her breath fogging over.

Mikasa gives the room a lazy lookover when her eyes settle on the nightstand next to the bed on her left. There lies her uniform freshly cleaned and folded, and three more items.

One is a small vase containing two yellow sunflowers who look recently cut. Their petals an intense shade and warming up the room.

The other is her scarf atop of her clothes, delicately folded and untouched as if it was always there.

Finally, there’s a small paper folded on the desk, Mikasa reaches one hand over to grab it, the other picks up the scarf and places it on her lap. She opens the paper and reads the contents etched into it. 

It’s from you.

  
  


_“Dear Mika,_

_You ended up with a really bad fever, so it’s probably why you passed out during our exercise. I brought you over to the infirmary so they could take care of you. I’m sorry I stepped over my boundary as your friend when I asked if you were okay, I won’t do that anymore. The flowers are from me. It’s my attempt at an apology..._

_Also your scarf got snagged on a branch pretty badly where it was torn up really nasty. I hope you don’t mind, but I tried fixing it as best as I could! Hopefully, the mistakes aren’t obvious when you look at it._

_I told Eren and Armin what happened and they’ve visited a few times. We’re waiting for you to get better so hurry up!!(A smudged smiley face is drawn)”_

  
  


Mikasa rests the letter down onto the bed, unfolding her scarf slowly. As she inspects the fabric it takes an intense stare to find the stitches you added, nose brushing over the material due to how close it was brought to her face. It’s incredible, she thinks, uncertain of how you managed to find the exact shade of red for the thread, the stitch pattern nearly invisible to the naked eye.

She almost believed that the scarf was never actually torn until she ran her hands over the entire length, feeling the areas that were repaired all across it.

Yellow signifies friendship, that she knows from an old memory with her mother, sunflowers often meaning ‘everlasting’, ‘adoration’, or ‘loyalty’.

Everlasting friendship.

Why would you go through the effort of doing this for her? Mikasa feels guilty at how she reacted after you showed concern for her well being, regret washing over her. She shouldn’t have acted like that honestly, especially with a friend. _Her friend._

Red was the only color her world was painted with, but since meeting you, she has been introduced to Blue, the color perfectly capturing your odd character, to Yellow, the symbol of your efforts to be her friend despite everything she’s done.

You’ve never judged her, but waited until she was ready no matter how long it took. You were just like Eren, treating her with so much kindness without asking for anything in return.

_I’m a bad friend… I need to apologize._

There’s a knock at the door, and as it swings open Mikasa is confronted with your figure coming through the doorway, your blue ribbon swaying on the back of your head, still dressed in your uniform. She guesses you must have just finished today’s training.

“Ah, Mika you look a lot better.” Your voice is laced with relief but it’s rough coming from the back of your throat.

“Yes, I think my fever’s gone for the most part.” She looks over your body, noting that your eyes are sunken and heavy lidded. _Have you been sleeping at all?_

Bandaged fingers reach up to scratch the side of your jaw. “That’s good. Oh, you're holding the scarf. It took a while but I managed to get it looking presentable again.” You don’t explain why your fingers are covered but Mikasa isn’t stupid, she’s embroidered as a child and knows you probably have multiple wounds from pricking the skin with the needle.

“I’m sorry.”

“...Eh? Mika there’s nothing you have to apologize about.” An airy laugh leaves you, hoping it doesn’t sound strained.

“No...I acted irrational when you were only trying to help me.”

“S’fine. I know I’m annoying most of the time.” It’s an attempt at a joke but Mikasa thinks you’re actually serious.

“You aren't, I promise you.” She gives out a ghost of a smile. “If anyone here is annoying it's Jean.”

Her effort of making a joke seems to work, easing the tension surrounding the two of you, giggles now filling up the small room.

You return a closed smile. “If you say so.” Getting up from your spot on the wall, you begin heading to the door. “I’ll let the others know you’re up and feeling better, we’ll come bring you dinner later.”

Mikasa calls your name, halting your steps and craning your neck to look back at her. “Hm?”

“Eh, how do I repay you?...For everything you’ve done for me.”

She catches something in your eyes, unable to decipher what’s swimming through them. You’re odd but Mikasa appreciates it.

“You don’t need to repay me with anything. Just being my friend is enough.” She hears it in your tone, you mean it.

She’s left to her own thoughts moments after. You’ve given her two new colors to use in painting her view of the world, Yellow and Blue. She discovers that _no_ , it’s not just those two, but even more shades in between now having multiple colors to create, _oranges, greens, purples..._

  
  


You’ve unintentionally shown her a rainbow, and Mikasa’s once monochromatic view of life no longer satisfies her. Red is still her favorite color but she makes sure to use all these new pigments in her life.

_She still needs to ask what’s your favorite color._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if any of y’all have noticed that reader is....going through something herself. There a small hint of jealousy but she’s a kid still, she doesn’t know what she’s feeling. Next chapter we’ll have ereh hahaa and it will be angsty, as we see that reader is depressed but hides it ‘too’ well.
> 
> Thank u for reading so far!!!!😚


	5. Even though I was nothing, I had dreams of being something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are special to Eren, that he is certain. So when it reaches the point of you leaving forever, he can’t sit back and watch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not gonna lie, i cried a lot when writing this. Sometimes we just need to be held and be told that its okay to be sad.
> 
> TW: uh maybe suicidal thoughts, mad depression 
> 
> i rec listening to these songs in order and reading the lyrics when yall read this lol. 
> 
> Diphylleia grayi (산하엽)- Jonghyun  
> Small room- Sweet Sorrow ft. IU reader depression  
> Can you hear me? BEN reader pov  
> Day & Night- Jung Seung Han eren pov  
> Glass Bridge-Savina&Jones

_“Your small shoulders, your small hands_

_Become my cozy blanket at the end of a tiring day_

_You did a good job today, you worked so hard_

_I hope my shoulders and my thick hands_

_Will become cozy comfort_

_For the end of your tiring day as well_

_I want to naturally sync my breathing with yours”_

End of a day - JongHyun

xxx

  
  


Humans fall into one of two categories: Those who are exceptional, one of a kind- _special._ And those who are not, boring, everywhere- _average._

You’ve always known which one you fell under since understanding the concept of classes, where does one belong and how society can group you for its own benefit.

_You are not special_. This is something you’ve known since birth.

Falling under the first category is shown through many things such as beauty, intelligence, skill, strength, and charisma. As long as one of these points is satisfied, you believe that they can be recognized as special.

You don’t think you're a pessimist just because, but rather there’s never been an external source to show that you’re nothing but average, so you shouldn't hope for anything in your life to change that conclusion.

However, there is a loophole to your strange philosophy. The only time you can fabricate the sensation of being ‘special’ is on your birthday, no one celebrates it alongside you; years ago your mama always made it a wonderful day filled with all her attention and love just for you. She showed you how important you were to her as she pet your head, sang wispy songs, and made your favorite flavor of cake one she’s created solely for _you_ and no one else.

Mama is dead, and so you have no one who believes you are important enough to be thought about.

  
  


It’s a feeling that rots in you from the inside out, but there are moments few in between that allow you to suppress it. Meeting Armin, Eren, and Mikasa was one moment, and knowing their joint dream of exploring the world beyond the walls distracted you enough that you wanted to tag along and see it with them.

You say tag along because you know you’ll never really be a part of the group. 

Meeting your fellow cadets in the 104th, sends another slap of reality to you, many of your comrades are incredibly talented, their abilities obviously gifted from birth and you know that they’ll all succeed.

So, while you know you’re subpar at basic combat, familiarizing yourself with the rough dirt beneath you as your partner laughs, you try your best to catch up with the others (you won’t). 

You help out when you don’t have to, but you do it because you feel like it. **_Those who are average must do everything in their power to help the special keep shining._**

Never asking for anything but friendship, you give your friends a smile when they plead to return the favor. **_Average people beg for attention like an orphaned infant. You are not interesting enough for them to care about you._ **

  
  


When was the last time you felt like you belonged? Did it ever exist? 

It’s better to ignore these thoughts quickly, once again focusing on making others feel better. Because it seriously does break your heart to see the people you care about upset. They are special, they are wanted, they are encouraged by others, and you find it unnatural to see them waver in confidence.

You use that reason as an excuse to celebrate Eren’s birthday, because no one will be around for yours. Instead you use the love you have inside your boring self to shower him with, because _he_ deserves it.

Eren has shown moments that look like he cared about your well-being a couple of times, when he asked if you were okay with doing Jean’s chores, telling you to get more sleep when your dark circles are incredibly prominent, helping your form during sparring.

_It’s because he pities you._ The thoughts come forward.

You agree, but you continue to believe the lie created in your head, as long as he still showered you with the small periods of time he made for you(He has better things to do).

It’s all fake, but you still hope that maybe _just maybe_ he cares about you, in the same way you feel about him.

x

Mikasa is special, you and everyone who knows her is certain.

But not only special, but incredibly blessed. You don’t know if God exists, but he surely had his favorites.

Marking off one point of your special system was neat, but Mikasa checked off _all five categories_ the second you laid eyes on her.

  
  


Everything about her was incredible, you shamelessly admire quietly. Becoming friends with her took time, there was no ulterior motive this time. You just figured since Armin wanted you all to go see the ocean together, you would try and befriend her.

You learn more and more about her at random periods, each new information she shared, bringing back the rotting in your core. Nothing Mikasa said was bad, she’s incredibly interesting. _She could have anything she wants at the snap of her fingers, and I’m sure God would give it to her because she deserves it. Being blessed must be nice._

**_Average people are safe in that regard. Nothing they care about will ever be shared with someone special, it’s beneath them._ **

Very quickly that thought is stomped before it even had the chance to bloom in fruition.After making an attempt in conversation ( you just had to ask the dumbest question of what’s her favorite color) Mikasa’s answer killed any hope of being special immediately for good.

She tells you about her red scarf, _who_ gave and wrapped it around her. You notice how soft her features become as she speaks lovingly of Eren, how important he is to her and you agree with her because you have to. Mikasa loves Eren, her love triumphs over your failed attempt(it could be just admiration) and you are humbly reminded by the cruel world that the things you want will never come your way.

You are not special. You are painfully aware of this, so to keep the image of this Mikasa constant for her friends and comrades, you warily give up on continuing your friendship with Eren.

It seems that no one will ever find you important enough without hurting someone else.

**_Average people cannot truly be friends with those deemed special._ **

x

**Year 850**

  
  


It takes Eren a long time to realize something is wrong, and he regrets not catching on sooner.

Between graduation falling a few months from now, and spending his full time focusing on getting top marks to graduate, it’s understandable that he can’t focus his attention on his friends all the time. They’re _soldiers first_ , friends second. He figured it was a universal agreement within them, everyone had their own personal motives for joining the military, Eren included. Horseface wants to sit his ass behind the safety of wall Rose, Marco wants to serve the King, Connie wants to make his village proud.

Armin and Mikasa followed along with him to join the Survey Corps, the dream of seeing the world and killing the titans motivates him daily. 

His mind presents an image of you, and Eren thinks you joined because you want to see the ocean.

Later on he punches himself for not asking you why you _really joined_ earlier.

You don’t hang out with the trio as often anymore, in the last year you’ve resorted to sitting with them once a month. Armin, and Mikasa don’t find it strange, they figured Sasha must’ve convinced you to sit with her permanently at other tables. Eren lets it go.

When you do sit with them, you’re there but _not_ really. You still make the same weird jokes you always say, and make an effort to talk and catch up with everyone. But it’s different. Your eyes have dulled, no longer reflecting enthusiasm, but lethargy. Your crooked smile hasn’t appeared since his birthday, the one you present to everyone stiff and practiced to be perfect, Eren doesn’t think it suits you, but he doesn’t dwell on it. He lets it go.

He can’t recall the last time he hung out with you, so he invites you to spend the night out on the field the two of you dubbed as “your spot” in the last two years.

It’s here where he sees you visibly relax, you only let your hair down in front of him, and for some reason Eren feels a sense of pride bloom on his chest. The tension melts off your body, and your face basks in the cool wind hitting your skin tonight.

“What do you think the final ranking will be?” You’re the first to throw a question, your eyes _clearly_ tired and Eren chalks it up from drowsiness. Whenever you speak or listen to him, you always give him your full attention like whatever crap comes out of his mouth is the greatest gospel in all of Sina.

“Mmmn… I think I’ll obviously outrank Jean, it’s written in the stars at this point.” A laugh tumbles from your mouth. “ Ah, but seriously, I think I’ll rank somewhere in the top five, I know Mikasa will be number one.”

“Yeah, I think so too. You’ve worked hard and you’re so talented.” You massage a few blades of grass you’ve pulled from the ground between your fingers.

“Don’t flatter me.” Truthfully he felt good when you complimented him, because he knew you were genuine in your opinion.

“I’m not. Seriously, Eren it would be a shame if Shadis didn’t recognize your progress and skill.” You give him a deadpan look and he loses it only seeing that expression a couple of times. After his laughter calmed down he knows that you didn’t care about your own ranking, so there was no point in asking, but a previous question from earlier in the day still probed in his mind.

“Hey,” Eren says your name, his bright grey eyes reflecting a beautiful shade of mint on this particular day. You’ll never be satisfied with seeing only one color that jumps in his eyes, having seen more than a dozen you wonder if it’s possible for _any_ more to surprise you.

You’ll never get tired of the way he says your name with such kindness and affection. It’s one of the reasons you always focus on his face, his lips, because you don’t want to miss anything he says, lest the wind whisks it away.

“This is a late question. But why did you join the military? Besides wanting to see the ocean with us.” He lies down, as he stares above at the heavens trying to map out constellations. Your expression is obscured by your hair.

You don’t have a good reason, it’s a shameful one and you aren’t sure if you should tell him. If you were honest what would Eren say? Would he tell you he understands or would he push you away in disgust? 

_I’m lonely. No one loves me or thinks I’m important enough to be thought about. Everyone has someone else support them and I’m alone. I want to love and be loved without feeling guilty like I'm taking someone else's happiness away. I’m tired of feeling like this and I’d rather end it while I’m in the military because no one will care enough to ask where I went._

**_Average people are not allowed to enjoy anything that brings them happiness. They live only to serve the special and maintain their desires._ **

You’re so _tired_. 

It’s going to be over soon, so you say fuck it and tell him some of the truth, he’s a special person- he won’t remember anything you say after graduation.

“I’m lonely. That’s really it.” Your voice wavers and you pray Eren doesn’t notice.

~~It’s a shame he didn’t notice.~~

“You mean _was_. You’re not lonely anymore. You have me and the others. We’ll always be there for each other even when we finally join the scouts.” He really should’ve paid more attention to the inflection of your statement.

“Yeah.. I guess so.”

“Oh this month’s reward went to you right? When do you think you’ll use your days off?”

“I think at the end of the month, Eren.” _He’s going to forget you the minute you off yourself._

_“_ Nice! Gonna go into town again? You should take me with you this time.” He throws you a grin, oblivious to your strange behavior.

“Heh...I’ll think about it. But I just think I’m gonna find a quiet place and be alone, everyone’s loud here.”

  
  


Eren raises a hand as he pulls himself up to ruffle your hair softly. “I agree. Enjoy yourself, you deserve it.”

Pink flushes on your cheeks, and you can’t help but pout, looking down onto the grass.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper so softly he isn’t sure you said anything.

“Why?”

“.... I don’t know, really.” _I love being with you but I’m nothing._

He doesn’t say anything after, instead grabs your hand and pulls you two back towards the sleeping quarters. 

Eren lets it go again and it’s the final time before something snaps inside him.

x

You are special to Eren, this he is certain. Over the past three years, he feels that he has a good grasp on the quirks of your character. He still has a list of questions that are endless when he learns something new about you and rather than feel frustrated like before, it gives him a certain motivation to find an answer. 

He enjoys spending time with you, he feels _free_ in an odd way, where he doesn’t have to put up any front, he can curse, yell, hell even cry in front of you and you never show any judgement, you rub your hand over his back or hold onto his hand with a secure grip, telling him to let it out.

Eren feels like the richest guy in the world when he gets you to laugh so hard you fall to the ground, face red and eyes tightly screwed shut.

The days when your crooked grin peeks through he forces his brain to burn the scene in front of him into his memory, finding it fascinating.

The boys had a night in their quarters talking about the girls, gossiping about their bodies and which one they fancied.

Eren never participated because one, it’s weird and two, if he hears something he doesn’t like more likely than not someone’s ending up with a broken nose.

Well, today’s Reiner’s lucky day.

Your name is the next victim of gossip, with Reiner starting off, “Eh, she’s a bit too boring for me, just as nice as Christa, but her body isn’t quite doing it for me.”

Armin nervously glances over to Eren, the former already seeing the cogs to murder Reiner churning in his skull.

“Plus the kid’s mad depressed, I’m surprised those two haven’t realized it.” He juts his head over to Eren and Armin at the far end bunk bed.

“Depressed?” Connie questions. “Listen, she’s always around us cracking jokes and smiling.” Marco and Jean hum in agreement.

“She’s been acting the same since day one, you sure you haven’t hit your head or something dude?” Jean throws out the other boys cackling.

Reiner is uncharacteristically quiet, and Bertholdt-usually silent- grows pale at the sight of his pal.

“People who’ve kept it inside themselves that they want to die can also act ‘normal’ Jean. Doesn’t take a genius to know when someones really going off the rails mentally.” This effectively shuts everyone up, too shocked at Reiner’s statement, almost like he _knows_ from personal experience. ~~_He does_ . ~~

Eren’s laugh breaks the piercing silence but Armin isn’t sure it’s because he found this whole conversation hilarious.

“Reiner, you got some fucking nerve talking about someone you don’t even know.” He’s furious, how could he say something so ridiculous about you? You were fine.

“Listen, I’m not up her ass constantly like you are, but Bertholdt and I are probably the only ones who’ve noticed your darling’s one breakdown away from killing herself.”

“What the fuck?” Eren sees red, and suddenly he’s tackling Reiner down onto the bed swinging a fist towards his hooked nose, a shattering crack echoes in the room. He wants to pummel more of his face in but he’s apprehended by Armin and Jean.

“Eren.” Bertholdt is the next to speak up. “Reiner’s not lying, but I don’t think you or anyone else has picked up on it. She’s had bags under her eyes for _months_ now and she has round cheeks because she enjoys eating are pretty much gone. When's the last time any of you saw her eat a full meal?”

Reiner cups a hand to his bleeding nose hissing at the pain flaring around his nasal cavity. “Kid’s lost weight and not that she needed to, but she looks _bad_ .” He tilts his head back to prevent anymore blood from falling and staining everywhere. With his eyes closing he continues, “ Sometimes we’d find her alone during our walks and she’d just be out of it sitting by herself. Felt kinda bad but she looked _lonely._ ”

“If you’re really her friend like you say you are, you gotta talk to her and let her know you’re there for her. I can’t deal with the kid offing herself because of something stupid.” Reiner points a threatening glare to Eren, there’s a message in them, but only the two of them understand while the rest look on in confusion.

  
  


The mood is no longer friendly and instead of continuing their conversation everyone calls it a night. But whatever God is out there is cruel and plagues Eren with nightmares the entire night.

His mind replays everything Reiner said and he wants to beat him even more because somehow.. whatever that oaf said clicked something in him, and Eren’s realizing that you have _not been okay_ for years and it's gotten worse over the last year.

He bites his pillow to muffle his choked sob. Why did he let so many obvious signs go? How many times did you try to tell him something was eating at you and he ignored it?

All the most severe signs hit him with whiplash, memories playing in front of him crystal clear when he’s “let it go” during dinner, practice, when you're _alone with him._

The last conversation between the two of you, was probably the biggest warning you gave Eren.

_“I’m lonely. That’s really it.”_ It’s not, why do you feel like this?

_“Heh...I’ll think about it. But I just think I’m gonna find a quiet place and be alone, everyone’s loud here.”_ You didn’t mean? What were you planning on doing??

Wait. What day is it again?

The amount of information flipping through his head is enough to snap it in two, but somehow he realizes that today you were supposed to use your days off.

_Another nightmare manifests but this time it’s too real, he sees you alone(?) At the field in the dark, you’re holding a blade to your chest, ready to puncture the delicate organ that breathes life into you-_

Eren jumps out of bed. No longer caring of the noises he made as he ran out the boy’s quarters. _C’mon dumbass, run faster!_

You are special to Eren, a rainbow in this cursed world ruled by titans, bringing hope to him.

x

You don’t know why you ended up back at this spot tonight. There’s no moon and stars, so the field is pretty much covered in a blanket of black. You had managed to obtain a broken ODM blade at practice today, they’re usually dull so they couldn’t cut into a titans' nape effectively. It's sharp enough to slice off a human limb.

Truthfully, you weren’t planning to do anything with it, but you just wanted to _see_ what it could do. _If you cut deep enough past the point saving, will you accept your fate?_

Twisting it delicately, you wonder if you should’ve taken up Eren’s offer in inviting him to spend your days off with him. You’d obviously have a great time, any time spent with him is wonderful.

_He has more important things to care about. Did you forget he has Armin and Mikasa?_

**_Those who are average are not important to the special._ **

You wished you spent more time with Eren, as it’ll probably be the biggest regret once you leave for good.

Even though he’d probably find your true self disgusting, it was nice pretending to think he cared about you. ~~_He does_ ~~ _._

The tip of the blade pushes uncomfortably against your chest, you wonder if you’ll bleed out painfully or it will end instantly.

You’re tired and you wished that whatever God was out there would deem you special enough to be loved. ~~He already did.~~

It’s the horrified scream of Eren that breaks you from your internal conflict. The blade is knocked away lost in the darkness and Eren twists your body to the ground, his broad shoulders shield your body from above.

He’s shaking uncontrollably, and his hands are gripping your wrists so tightly it hurts but you do not move, you only stare at the beautiful boy above you in pain, realizing that once again you hurt someone you love.

His grey eyes are dimmed from the lack of light but you can still make out the seafoam green pigments hidden underneath. They’re glassy and tears have started to fall onto your cheeks and slide down into the grass underneath your head.

Eren’s voice is raspy, there is no anger but only sadness carried with it. “...Why?” It’s an open question, but you understand what he’s asking. You decide to tell him, if he leaves then so be it.

Your own voice is unfamiliar, it’s tiny and tight. “B-because I’m not importanttu anyone”. A sob breaks across your whole body, and exhaustion has made you weak to stop your vision from blurring from the globs of salty tears overflowing.

You tell him everything, you don’t know why. You tell him of your dreams and fears, you tell him how alone you’ve felt for years because you never felt special to anyone besides your mama. How jealous you felt when you saw the others have a friend to rely on. You didn’t think you deserved someone like that.

Snots dripping out of your nose, and you probably look insane but Eren says nothing for a long time. His eyes are unreadable. He let’s go of your wrists finally, instead he runs one hand through your hair gently, smoothing over knots, while the other rests on your cheek wiping stray tears away.

He says your name, and the familiar feeling of warmth fills your chest again, and your heart drums loudly behind your ribcage.

“You’re important to me idiot.” He pinches a cheek.

“I’m serious, it’s my fault for not being more obvious but I enjoy spending time with you, and I feel good.” His eyes are stinging and red, his lips are forming a frown.

You let a pink tongue wet your dry cracked lips. “Y-you’re important tome too.” Your words slur but you don’t care. “You’re so special to me, Eren.” You mean it.

“You’re special to me…” A ghost of a smile appears.

“I’m not leaving you anytime soon, so I’ll be here when you’re upset and want to cry. Or even when you just want company, I’m here.”

“You’re fine just the way you are. You’re allowed to feel things y'know.” He teases, his ears are warm but he’s relieved that you’re still alive, still looking at him.

You don't reply immediately, instead you lift shaking arms to wrap around his shoulders, and hide your face in his neck. You feel loved, you feel important,you feel _special_ and it overwhelms you, because this time it feels _real_ and you relish in its feeling.

“...Thank you.” You play with the hair falling over his nape to distract yourself from the swelling in your chest.

“Hey, you’re still gonna use your days off today? Let’s go into town and eat something at noon.” A soundless giggle escapes you.

“Yeah, that sounds fun..”. Your eyes shut as you fall asleep listening to his heartbeat.

  
  


**_Average people themselves believe that they are not something worth noticing. So they force a wedge between them and those they deem special. But such a wall does not actually exist. For there is always someone who believes that they too, are special. Just by being born someone is special in the eyes of those who love and adore them._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oopsies angst 😁😁
> 
> -next time on DBZ will gokueren learn what being in love really means? Is that what he feels when he’s with you?  
> haha  
> See yall later😳


	6. Just the Two of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren comes to a realization(partially).
> 
> Reiner has a conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaahhhh omg!! Hi everyoneeee. Thank you all SO MUCH. SO SO MUCH, for the comments you all have left on the past recent updates i read them all and i just mentally combust bc i still cant believe yall like it heheeh. i love hearing what you guys think so i encourage you all to word vomit what u feel whenever ^_^.
> 
> On a more serious note, I originally wrote this for myself and on a more transparent level, just wanted to make something about eren in the way that i interpret his character. So sometimes i get a lil nervous that sum ppl will be like “wtf this isnt canon eren at all” but eh when you’re delusionally in love with the titan boy for 6 years then yea maybee you see his character a lil differently aside from the strict parts of his identity.
> 
> But anyway idk where i was going with this lol but once again i personally wanna thank each and everyone of you guys that spent the time to read this, I hope you can all continue on the journey of Reader and erens shoujo romanceu:3

_“But if you make that face, If you say those words, The meaning changes, from red to violet,Like a rainbow, it spreads before me”_

_Prism-SHINee_

xxx

  
  


Eren understands that you aren’t going to magically change your opinion of yourself after just one talk with him. No, it’s not realistic and frankly it's dishonesty to _you_ for him to assume things will be okay and proceed to move forward as if these feelings never existed. He knows that this is the _real_ you, and while others might think of such emotions as overbearing, Eren is fine with it. 

He doesn’t want to “fix” your feelings and force you to become someone you are not. Even after all the times the other cadets teased about his ‘excessive’ passion and anger towards being the best and eradicating the titans, you have never shown any sort of distaste on his beliefs. 

You accept and care for him, faults and all. When the weight of his goals bear too much burden on his shoulders and he feels that he should perhaps join his mother on the other side- _Is it hell there? Or can you be free in death, Mom?-_ you are there. 

_You are there when he tells you of his nightmares after the fall of Shiganshina, how the scene of his mother’s torso being devoured in one bite, has her blood staining the back of his eyelids to this day. He regrets never telling her that he loved her, for always lashing out and talking back, acting reckless and too prideful as a child._

_“Am I a bad son?” His voice breaks as he hides his face behind his knees, body shaking as he did not present Eren Jaeger, the suicidal maniac but Eren, a young but troubled boy who doesn’t know what to do._

_“Do bad sons make their mothers laugh, smile, upset and cry? All the time, right?” You don’t ask it to him but the world itself._

_“The moment we’re born, our mother’s cry for us. But it’s not from pain but joy and love. They know us best even when we don’t tell them things. So, I believe that your mom knew, Eren.” This time you rest a hand on his head._

_“If loving your mother makes you a bad son, then I’m also a bad daughter.” It’s a simple answer, but it holds so much weight in it at the same time. It’s enough to put his anguish at ease._

You are a kind person who feels deeply and carries it in your heart regardless of consequence, and Eren admires that. _You’re like me._ But much mellower and less loud.

Eren doesn’t need to be a shield to you, because you didn’t ask him to. So, regardless of what the future held beyond graduation he promised to walk alongside as a friend who will be there for you.

Friend.

The term leaves an odd taste in his mouth.

x

  
  
  


Fulfilling the promise made, Eren and you headed to town with the sole purpose of just spending the time to not think about anything serious. Truthfully, Eren just wanted to keep an eye on you, but he didn’t really have to worry about losing you since you kept a firm grip on his hand.

It’s a little past noon when the two of you make your way across the busy streets. Both of you ended up wearing the same outfits from the night before as you headed out before Shadis found out Eren sneaked off without permission. He didn’t want to deal with getting caught so Eren suggested leaving in the morning before breakfast. 

He’d deal with Shadis’ punishment when he got back.

The town isn’t unfamiliar to him as Eren’s eyes pay careful attention to the movement around him. There’s a bakery, market, and plenty of stands all around, each offering its own choice of items ranging from food to jewelry.

_We should find something to eat._ He glances over at you. _Did she eat anything last night?_

“Oi,” he shakes your joined hands to grab your attention. “You hungry?”

Eren takes note of your drowsy state, eyebrows relaxed with your lashes dipping just enough to almost cover the color behind your eyes. There’s still a bit of puffiness that surrounds them from crying last night and he knows he isn’t looking any better, but you still appear to be content.

“Yeah, my stomach’s making noise.” Your hand comes up to touch it, trying to hide the gurgling.

It comes back louder, and the look on your face is one that is horrified.

Eren ends up giving a hearty laugh at the sound, but more so on your expression, a frown and glare that isn’t menacing at all thrown his way, cheeks warm. Eventually, you give in as well joining in his laughter. It’s small progress, but Eren is relieved that you aren’t completely closing yourself off.

“C’mon.” He begins to walk ahead tugging you along.

“I saw something up ahead that smells _really_ good.”

  
  
  
  


Hours pass as the food settles in your stomachs. Now just leisurely walking looking around with nothing to do, Eren tries to find a shop worth enough to walk into. Fortunately, you managed to spot something before he did.

“Eren, can we go in here?” The hand that was held by his just moments ago now grasps his forearm halting his walking.

“Uh,” His brows furrow slightly as he looks at the place you wanted to enter. “Yeah, let’s go in.”

It’s a flower shop, while not very big, the amount of flowers spanning of different hues and textures seemed to expand to the outside. When the two of you walk inside, the fragrances hit Eren’s nose abruptly all at once, but he holds himself back from making a complaint as you went on ahead of him. _There’s a lot going on…_

He silently walks behind you as you look around, Eren didn’t want to disturb the moment in front of him, opting to silently observe. _I recognize some of the flowers here._

Roses, Lilies, Peonies…it seemed as if this store held all the flowers available in the world. Eren wouldn’t doubt it. While he continues mumbling to list other flowers he can recognize, he feels the presence of someone else beside him.

“My, you know quite a few. I don’t believe boys your age cared enough about these things.” As he turns he faces with who he supposed was the shop owner, an older woman with greyed hair, a worn apron, with her features warm.

“Ah, it’s just..” Eren scratches his nose, suddenly feeling an itch. “My dad’s a doctor, so he would show me different plants in his books. But I got to see some of these when I would travel with him to visit patients.”

He tells the truth, as Eren isn’t embarrassed to know such a thing.

“Is that so?” The shopkeeper’s eyes leave his face and now rest upon your form some feet away, still unaware of the two of them. You touch the petals of those that catch your interest but not often, appearing to be apprehensive in hurting the flowers.

“Tell me, do you perhaps know about their meanings and symbolism?” She grasps a flower in front of her. “It may seem silly, but I believe they themselves have a sort of power when it comes to these things.”

Eren is confused at her last statement but chooses not to comment, instead he answers. “Well, I know some basic ones. Like how Daffodils can mean forgiveness, Orchids are beauty, Daisys are innocent…”

He feels awkward, and he’s hoping you’ll notice his absence and come back.

“I see that’s wonderful. Would you like to make a flower crown for your friend over there?” The shopkeeper has a knowing look in her gaze but Eren does not notice. “They’re simple to make, you just need a few stems to weave into.” She holds up a crown of Violets and places it into his larger palms. _Woah, it’s really pretty…_

Usually Eren wouldn’t be the first person to jump at doing something like this, but he gives in after glancing behind his shoulder, watching you have a great time. His seafoam green eyes shuffle over various options until they land at a small cluster hidden behind some crates.

The petals are small, in the shape of a mouse's ear in a set of five, colors of blue and pink are blended together, drawing him closer. In its center is a black bud surrounded by yellow. Eren doesn’t think to ask the old woman what they are as he begins to grab a handful and begins working on his makeshift project.

Eventually he finished with two crowns, one clearly made better after practice but he decided to keep both. 

He was about to ask the shopkeeper how much he would need to pay when she spoke over.

“How much wou-”

“Nothing. Think of it as a gift.” She gives his crowns a look over after he thanked her and leaves calling your name to join him. He effectively forgot to ask what the flowers meant.

“Ah, it seems the Forget-me-nots decided to show themselves to those two.” She lets out a chuckle, looking down at a book with the flowers on one page.

  
  


_Forget-me-nots(Myosotis): The Forget-me-not flower has multiple meanings including,_

_True And Undying Love_

_Long-Lasting Connection_

_Fidelity and Loyalty_

_These flowers are often present in funerals in remembering a lost loved one, but are also given in weddings. Because they are so small like a mouse, it is often very easy to look them over. Such a myth arose that the flowers themselves hide themselves on purpose, only themselves to those they deem worthy._

_If one is chosen to see them, then it is said that the flowers will bless them even past death._

A hand smooths over the worn page, no longer crisp and the once black inked words fade to a brown.

“Fitting.”

  
  


x

  
  
  
  


**Year 850**

**(Graduation of the 104th Cadets)**

  
  
  


The beer that slides down Reiner’s throat brings forward a satisfied groan deep from his chest. It’s taste is a tart, tangy flavor with a caramel tone topped with a fluffy cloud of frothy foam, recently chilled due to tonight’s celebration.

Finally, after three years of intense training and pushing the mind and body to its limits, the time for the graduation of the 104th cadets had arrived. The official ceremony had taken place the night prior where Shadis announced the top ten cadets. Annie, Bertholdt, and himself had secured their spots in the top 4. In all honesty, the trio wasn’t shocked at their scores knowing that their skills and training _prior_ to joining was far superior and more brutal-here it was ‘child’s play’ in Annie’s words, blunt in her opinion of everything.

Reiner disagreed, there were definitely times he and Bertholdt struggled, but the part of him that seeked perfection in everything he did still managed to push him to present a flawless performance in front of his comrades and instructors.

_He_ is the perfect soldier.

He is the perfect comrade, his size and strength alone has earned the trust of those around him. In some ways like an older brother, Reiner didn’t mind the title.

He is the perfect soldier who will make his mother and hometown proud. _Isn’t that right Reiner? You managed to sneak into the walls undetected to play dollhouse in the military infested with devils. You’re very much the textbook soldier. Was it worth it?_

_‘Worth what?’_ A cold flash instantly appears and Reiner feels the hairs on his neck and arms rise in attention. Training occupied most of his time, so it distracted him from listening to his own thoughts, even going as far as purposely making his mind think only of training and the _mission_ in his dreams. Anything to avoid sitting in the silence with...himself.

_Oh, you know, just that because of your fuck up five years ago and Marcel getting devoured, all you’ve done here is develop this big brother complex to feel good about yourself. Does it feel good knowing that you single handedly caused the mission to fail and put Annie and Bertholdt’s heads on a platter for the next candidates the second you step back home?_

_‘Stop it.’_ He tries to force the voice away, but he’s frozen in place, fists turning white from how tight he was squeezing to keep himself together. _‘It won’t happen, we’re going to retrieve the coordinate. Our plan for Trost will help speed things up so we can make our way to the king_.’

_Are you going to actually do it? Last time I checked you seemed pretty buddy-buddy with the devils._ The voice taunts him. _Don’t tell me you feel sympathy for these animals?_ A ringing forms inside Reiner’s ears and his mind feels like it’s quite literally splitting. As much as he wants to cover his ears from the voice he can't bring attention to himself like this. Not when he’s sitting at the table with his friends- _Did I hear you right?? FRIENDS._ ‘N-no, devils.’ Devils. They are devils who need to be eradicated to free the rest of the world from their blood.

_If you wanted to be friends with scum so bad, then maybe you should have just willingly come here as a mindless titan. Then, we wouldn’t be here with the Armored titan that never belonged to you in the first place, trying to atone for your sins._

_‘Enough.’_ Reiner bites his tongue to hold back from yelling out loud. The familiar taste of 

metal fills in his mouth, ignoring any pain.

He knows he isn’t supposed to be here, as a warrior, he is a devil himself but Reiner knows the difference between him and the ones here inside the walls is that he has been guaranteed salvation upon completing his mission. His mother and him can finally live happily, and he will be recognized as a great hero. 

**Reiner isn’t one of them.**

There isn't a single monster here that can possibly deserve the same chance of salvation like he was gifted. 

They must die, Reiner knows this and there is apprehension bubbling inside him. But he can't fail again. _If you fuck this up again, just know that your mother is the first one they’ll turn._

He needs to get out. Reiner’s clothes are sticking to his skin and he has the urge to vomit his stomach onto the table. Maybe if he puked hard enough the parasitic voice would remove itself from him.

He downs the rest of his beer in an instant, unable to savor the flavor when he rises from his seat and makes his way to escape the noise, the damned ringing still won’t leave!

“Rei, hey man where ya headed?” A very intoxicated Connie calls out to him, flushed with eyes glazed over.

“We’re havin a drinking game, an placing bets on who can hold their alcohol the besst.” He juts a thumb over in the direction of all the commotion and noise, everyone huddled at a table. Some people are obviously not doing well, Sasha vomiting into a bucket, Armin and Christa dozed off.

Jean and Eren once again going overboard with the amount of empty glasses around them.

“Gonnaaa piss.. yur pants Jaeger?” Reiner overhears Jean. Guy’s shit-faced drunk given how slurred his words are.

“Eat shit, Jean-boy.” Eren surprisingly still sounds legible from this distance, but the light flush on his face proves that the beer is giving him a very minimal buzz.

A hiccup from Connie breaks his attention from the table, and Reiner composes himself. “I think I’m good.”

He turns on his heel walking out. Connie surprisingly makes no moves to follow him. “Let me know who ends up getting alcohol poisoning between those two.” Reiner doesn’t care, but he _needs_ to be alone, tired of all this talking. Why can’t everyone shut up and leave him alone?

Connie merely grins and gives him a pat on his arm before turning back to the ruckus behind him, “Sure pal, my bet’s on Jeanieee.”

With that Reiner finally manages to escape the celebration, now outside making his way over to a secluded area of the wall of the building. He slides down easily to the ground, bringing a hand to harshly pull at his short blond hair.

He’s torn inside, struggling to come up with answers to his problems but instead is met with opposition from his conscience. The ringing still hasn’t lowered in volume, and Reiner’s starting to feel a migraine in the center of his forehead. _‘What was I thinking?’_

“Yur going to get cramps if yu keep sitting like that, Rei.” He snaps his head towards the direction of the voice and lands upon your figure walking towards him, slightly off-balance with one arm against the wall.

“You…” Reiner breathes out your name with disbelief, “Why..?” He doesn’t know what to say, only his mind is on high alert.

“Um, well I was goin to go to bed since I drank a few beers, but I saw yu here…” Your eyes flutter quickly, fighting against the urge to sleep then and there. You don’t move any closer, instead you lean against the wall hands stuffed into the pocket of your hoodie.

“But, is everything okay?” Reiner sees your features have a bit of a somber look. “Yu seem...mhn…to be thinking hard about something.” He hears the slur of your words and it takes a few seconds for him to clearly make out what you’re saying, the distance between the two of you not helping project your voice over.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” The guilt of his actions is suffocating him with no sign of stopping anytime soon. He feels himself going mad. Reiner isn’t sure who he is right now, is he still a warrior despite being tainted with the blood of devils? He’s never been that particularly close with you, but what would you think if you knew him, Bertholdt and Annie were the ones who brought upon destruction and unforgivable murder?

He needs someone to tell him he is a hero, that what he’s doing isn’t wrong, the sins he’s committed are nothing compared to already being wrongfully born.

He knows he’ll be saved by the time this is all over, but by who?

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this...maybe I should join the MP’s. _Fuck_ , why am I such a coward?” Reiner drops, it’s a lie he came up with but he can’t tell you what’s really going on inside his disgusting mind, filled with a darkness that seems to have no end.

“Are you scared?” You ask, wondering if he was just experiencing heightened nerves.

“I..I don’t know. I don’t know what I should be doing, if I really should have signed up for the military here in the first place.” _‘Then I wouldn’t have had to meet any of you and become friends. I wouldn’t have to be pulled apart in two directions.’_

“...Yu don’t care about saving the lives of those in the wall.” Reiner’s eyes widen in shock and he gives you a look in fear. Did you figure him out? Fuckfuckfuck, no this is gonna set the plan back-

“It’s okay Rei. If you feel scared of fighting the titans or dyin’, it’s better to admit it than to ignore those feelings. They’ll only hurt in the long run.” Even in the minimal moonlight that peeks through the side of the wall, he can note the flush across your face and neck from drinking, the beautiful rouge making you look more than a human, the light bathing behind you in a glow.

Reiner wonders if what he’s looking at right now is actually you or an angel.

“Whatevur it is that’s bothering you, it’s okay to be selfish. It’s fine to prioritize _your_ needs, you can run away or join the interior branches to avoid conflict, or be with the scouts and go beyond the walls. You dictate your own life Rei, don’t let other people influence your actions.” Jesus, if only you knew.

“But if I admit that I've just been lying to myself and everyone, they’ll say I’ve been a monster since the beginning and that I’ve only proved them right.” Maybe he should’ve just ran back home five years ago and faced his punishment earlier on, maybe then he probably could have felt he died as a warrior.

“Prove who right? No one is born a monster, it’s impossible. Those are just ideas projected from others because that’s what _they_ want to see you as.” Your voice carries a hint of agitation, almost hurt from how much Reiner seemed to be under distress.

“Rei, you’re an incredible soldier, n’ a good friend to everyone here. If you feel that no one can understand you, that’s fine, too.” You give him a grin.

“But I’ll be here to support you...you are not a monster. If you believe that you aren’t, then there is nothing wrong.” Huh?

Reiner feels something change in him in those moments. Somehow, some merciful god has bestowed upon this gift of a lifetime, in the shape of the shorter figure in front of him. He keeps his eyes open, afraid that if he blinks you’ll be nothing more than an apparition his mind conjured up.

You are an angel, and you’ve unknowingly saved him without trying. He is not tainted in your eyes, nor is he an abomination because of his blood, somehow you view him as just a normal person.

Perhaps it was fate that brought you to him, and Reiner feels an act of mercy take over him. He decided that although the devil’s blood is within you, you must also take part in the salvation, yes, this may cause some disagreement with Annie and Bertholdt tomorrow, but they know they can’t refuse him.

The angel told him he can act selfish so he will. Not only will they retrieve the founding titan, but he’ll take you back with him to his hometown.

You are his angel, and he cannot risk losing you whether it be from titans or humans themselves.

_Mine, mine._ The voice breaks in, more ferocious and deadly. In the corner of his eyes, he spots a lone flower among the cracked pavement. White and unmarred, he finds it divine.

  
  
  
  


You, his darling _Iris_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I headcanon Eren to know stuff about flowers. I personally hate the idea that ppl think he’s not smart.
> 
> But alas here we arrive, this chapter took like three days to write bc of the diff scenes and i struggled to get it to flow well. It’s not the best one but I needed this to take place for plot. Also, Reiner in this story is past the point of saving here unlike in canon, and so I wanted his actions continuing forward to be horrible.
> 
> But uh there’s gonna be small snippets of fluff here and there bc u guessed it , Eren and reader are gonna go through it.
> 
> Until next time on DBZ 🧐


	7. Tunnel Vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go to hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we see reiners plans beginning in motion, and the poor reader doesn't know any better. 
> 
> But enjoy this new chapter i skipped a lot of the fighting in canon bc im sure everyone knows everything that happens in the battle of trost. Im just not good at writing action rip.
> 
> I wonder what you guys think of reiner so far, I’d love to know :3
> 
> heres what ive listened to when writing this  
> In your Eyes- The Weeknd  
> Nightcall- Kavinsky  
> Wash us in the Blood- Kanye West  
> And just pertubrbator music lol

_“Cause I see you tryin', subliminally tryin'_

_To see if I'm gon' be the one that's in your arms_

_I admit it's exciting, parts of me kinda like it_

_But before I lead you on_

_Baby, tell me, what's your motive?”_

Motive - Ariana Grande

xxx

**Year 850**

  
  
  
  


“Make sure that she survives this attack, on the off chance she gets put in a different group with randoms, just keep an eye out for her, understand?”

“Since when did you become a white knight? Wasn’t it a while ago you were having wet dreams about that Christa girl?” Annie mutters, annoyed that they ended up with you as a liability. This wasn’t the plan, and now that Reiner threw a bomb at them that your safety _must_ be guaranteed until they retrieved the founding titan had soured her mood immensely.

Annie just wanted all of this to be over, _‘Guess you’re going to have to wait a bit longer father, I’m sorry.’_

Bertholdt is the next one to comment on Reiner’s idea, “Reiner..keeping her safe is simple enough, but why exactly are you involving her in all this?” His face giving away his suspicions, the quirk of one brow, and his eyes shake slightly. Sure, he knew Reiner was worried at one point over you a couple months ago, when you were clearly not okay, but he figured it would end at that.

Did he miss something like you two talking by yourselves? No, this was unlikely, you were usually with Eren and the others. Bertholdt’s next idea was that it was just a crush, but even then Reiner admitted he found Christa more attractive and his type.

Just what was he planning?

“Hmm.” Reiner turns his face away from the two warriors, his expression unusual. His eyes held a sense of clarity, the golden pigments shining brightly even among the lack of sunlight this morning. The three at the back of the formation of horses heading towards Trost for their assignments before choosing a branch. Frankly, seeing him like this made Annie and Bertholdt incredibly uncomfortable.

“She saved me, I just wanted to return the favor.” His response doesn’t clarify anything to them, but Reiner makes no efforts to reveal anything else. 

“What a joke.” Annie scoffs, her grip on the reins tighten. 

She truly felt sorry that the oaf got you into this mess, but Annie was not one who intervened in other’s affairs. But she wasn’t here to argue, they had a mission to complete after all.

In a couple of hours, they’d open the gates of hell once more to those in the walls.

  
  
  
  


x

  
  
  


Humanity is reminded once again that they are merely cattle. In a matter of seconds the Colossal Titan had made a reappearance, overseeing the wall with it’s horrifying presence. With a simple kick, a large hole is made in Sina, freely allowing titans to come in and devour humans.

It seems so far that their plan is off to a great start, surely this attack would manage to get the king to come out of hiding. They just need to play their parts wisely; defend the citizens and play the heroes.

Well, Reiner certainly enjoyed the role.

Titans are taken down with little to no hesitation thanks to training and he relishes in the euphoria that bathes him every time his blades swiftly slice into their napes, the red droplets of blood sporadically fly through the air like fireworks. He is paired with Annie, Bertholdt, and Marco to search and evacuate citizens and they do just that. Fighting the titans without transforming was a shock initially, but it was quickly second nature to them.

This was unable to be shared with the other graduates, many succumbing to their fear and had given up any will to fight back. Limbs torn from their torsos, the ligaments and fibers of their muscles failing to keep them attached to the bone. The screams bounced back and forth in his ears, but Reiner grits his teeth and ignores the noise.

Right now they were trying to regroup with some other teams, their ODM gear’s gas tanks were quickly depleting.

His group moves on ahead to look for survivors. It was unfortunate that you were put into a squad quite near the hole, and Reiner knew of the danger of you being overwhelmed by titans. 

He needed to find you quickly and get you back to HQ with everyone else to resupply. His wonderful angel mustn’t be hurt! Oh no, it simply wouldn’t do. Though, if he did find you in such a predicament perhaps it would give him the opportunity to be a hero in your eyes.

Surely, this would plant the seed in your mind that he will protect you with his life. After all, he needed you alive.

  
  


x

  
  
  


If there was one thing training failed to teach you, it was that it didn’t prepare one from the psychological impact of watching someone get eaten in front of you, even when you could clearly do something about it.

Cowardice is a consequence from events like these, it would be foolish to think just about everyone in the military had this mental strength to face calamity with a smile on their face.

Fear gets the best of us, and it certainly has a strong grip on you.

In your small group of four meant to go near the houses close to the impact to direct innocent civilians towards the inner gate, two were immediately killed in less than ten minutes.

  
  


Yohanna, crushed into the cobblestone when an abnormal took a hold of her wires mid-air, slamming her body to the earth. Watching her body contort beyond human capability, bones protruding from white skin in odd angles, you vomit onto the rooftop shingles.

  
  


Mikahel, failed to cut into the nape deep enough and was grabbed by the same titan in an instant. The sound of his skull shattering inside its fist brings forward a wrenching cry from your lips.

“Damn it, damn it!” Currently you were desperately trying to stop the bleeding coming from the abdomen of your remaining teammate, Gavin. Crimson stained both of your uniforms and despite your efforts, the blood that bubbled under the crevices of your hands still managed to seep through. 

Why, _why_ didn’t you kill the titan sooner??? You saw it grab a hold of him and you faltered, hesitated. Yes, you managed to take it down but at the cost of your teammates torso being punctured. Internal bleeding impossible to save.

After grabbing him, you launched into a building's window, effectively shattering the glass into jagged pieces all over the floor, a few digging into your arms and legs. The impact caused you to sprain your ankle, and waste the last of your gas.

Now bloody and bruised, hands still shaking atop of your teammates dead body after bleeding out agonizingly, you were alone.

Training did not prepare you to handle this gruesome reality, but maybe it’s because if they did many of their volunteers would get out before completing their service.

Truly, you should’ve known better.

It was only a matter of time before you’d die, you think. With no gas to propel you to the rooftops, a location nowhere distant enough to HQ where the other teams were, it looked like you were out of options to get out.

You could scream for help, but what if no one was around to hear? It would make you a sitting target for any titan close enough to notice and make its way towards you. 

The other option was to climb up to the rooftops, run and jump until you found someone, but with your ankle one wrong jump would leave you unable to walk.

_I’m gonna die…._ You were scared. Regret flashed through your body, sad at the fact that you wouldn’t get to see the ocean with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. To live and hopefully see a world without walls and titans.

Eren. You wouldn’t be able to see him anymore…

_I wonder if he’s ‘slaughtering’ them with excitement right now._ The question of wondering if he’s alive briefly passes through your mind.

A blood curdling scream of your name causes your spine to stiffen and twist your neck towards the noise. Somehow, he and his team managed to find you amidst the chaos. He lands swiftly through the broken window, brown boots heavy as he makes his way towards you.

“R-Reiner.” His name tumbles out of your lips in a whimper, your body now dealing with the after effects of shock, going into a panic attack. The events over the last two hours have caught up, because now you were unable to stop from crying and your breathing was clipping from heaving so harshly.

“Holy shit,” Reiner visibly pales at the scene in front of his angel covered in blood, your smaller form shaking. Your eyes wide with panic, glistening with globs of the salty tears, running down in a stream of your reddening cheeks. Hearing his name come out your trembling mouth brought about a sickening swell of pride within his chest, because here _he_ was saving you.

However he couldn’t focus on that feeling instead he quickly made his way to where you were and pulled you into his arms, one knee on the ground to stable himself. “The rest of your team..” a hand rises and smoothes over your back, trying to help calm you down. Even with the fabric that separated his hand from your skin, the vibrations of your sobs still ran all the way up his arm.

“They’ve b-been”, a hiccup interrupts you, “eaten. Dead.” 

“Hey, hey look at me,” Reiner whispers, his larger hands gently pull your face away from his chest, cradling your face tenderly, thumb wiping away tears that catched onto your wispy lashes. “I’m here, you’re not going to die. I won’t let that happen.”

Reiner isn’t lying, he was serious about protecting you with every fiber of his being, he was a warrior after all.

He glances down and sees small broken shards of glass still enlodged into your legs and this worries him. “Your legs, can you walk?”

“I...hurt my ankle. I don’t know if I can jump.” Some improvement, you weren’t heaving anymore but you were still struggling to talk.

“It’s okay, I’ll carry you.” In a single motion he gets an arm around your waist and under your knees , securing your body to his. “HQ has been surrounded by titans and we think that’s why the supply team hasn’t been around to give us new gas and blades.” He grunts when he brings the two of you out to the parallel building’s rooftop where the rest of his teammates were standing.

“Oh my god.” Marco gasps when he sees your current state. His pupils constricted against the bronze around them. “We need to get rid of the glass in your leg but the supplies we would need are…” he trails off, eyes directing to the building father behind them.

“We need to regroup with the others and figure out something soon.” Annie cuts in, agitated that time was being wasted not moving.

“Right, let’s go.” As the team makes their way over to everyone else, Reiner is deep in thought, hands tightening around your body to prevent you from dropping as they use their gear to maneuver in the air.

Everything was working out fine.

  
  


x

  
  


Armin’s squad has been entirely annihilated by titans, the young boy manages to barely get out his fallen comrades' names. His voice is scratchy and hoarse after screaming for so long, and he feels immense guilt that he stood by and did nothing as his friends were devoured.

Eren Jaeger had been killed in the line of duty, he wailed. His best friend swallowed after saving him. The memory of Eren’s arm flying past him, severed at the elbow in one chomp.

The news affects Mikasa the most, noted by her immediate change in demeanor. Her eyes are filled with vengeance and pain. When Armin glances at you being held up by Reiner’s arms, he sees your face fill with grief and silently cry.

Regardless, the remaining soldiers had a goal to retake HQ. All the citizens were safely evacuated into the inner wall and a retreat was signaled some time ago.

They _had_ to succeed in order for them to survive, this operation could not risk any failure.

By some stroke of luck the graduates were gifted with a trump card, a titan appearing and seemingly….killing other titans with it’s bare hands and feet. Armin thought that it seemed to be enraged, the loud snarls and growls as it ruthlessly tore the monsters into shreds as somewhat proof.

With this new titan being bait, they were able to get into the building and remove all the remaining titans inside the storage floor. Now it looks like there was still hope, they all think.

Hope ironically takes shape in the form of Eren Jaeger. Previously presumed to be dead, the claim was refuted by his body pulling away from the neck of the mystery titan, limbs embedded with the tendrils of muscle fibers, hot steam evaporating the motionless body.

“No way…” Jean is flabbergasted.

Armin and Mikasa make their way over to Eren unconscious but still breathing, bringing a fresh wave of tears, the former gently cradling his body to her chest. 

Because of your injury you weren’t able to jump down, as much as you wanted to. Reiner wouldn’t let you go to embrace Eren as well; when you asked why he merely shook his head. Maybe it was your heightened paranoia but his face looked quite grim, face devoid of possibly any relief that Eren was alive. _No_ … _snap out of it._

Impossible. Maybe he’s just surprised Eren can transform into a titan. This caught you off guard as well, but there was no time to dwell on the how’s and why’s of his powers.

You fail to notice the three warriors share a look between each other.

Hopefully, you can talk to him later…

  
  


x

  
  


After Eren awakens, immediately he is deemed a threat to humanity. Commander Pixis spares him, instead proposing that they use his new power to plug up the outer gate in wall Sina. There is opposition of course, but it quickly fails, eventually it is decided that the graduates must defend his titan until he successfully completes his mission.

When evening rolls around, all of the remaining titans in Trost are slain and the battle comes to an end. The survey corps had barely managed to return from their expedition, but better late than never they used their skills to finish them off.

Many of your comrades died horrific deaths, but you promised to not let their sacrifices end up in vain.

Marco Bodt’s body was found by Jean quite later when identifying bodies. He refused to look you in the eyes and tell you how he looked. You could only guess.

Sasha wailed upon seeing your bloody form, the taller girl crushing you with her strong arms, blabbering that could not be deciphered. You tell her it’s okay, you just needed your wounds clean and ankle wrapped. 

With the help of Christa, your injuries are taken care of quickly, fresh bandages encase your arms and legs. Sitting on a crate you zone off, thinking about the battle that happened mere hours ago.

_It’s Shiganshina all over again…._

Your ribbon is not in its usual spot at the top of your head, instead it is tied at your wrist, the delicate satin tips move slightly as you breathe. You had to let your hair down due to the headaches from stress and dried blood that clung to the strands, darkening and matting them into clumps. 

You clearly looked like you went through it.

“Here.” Food is brought to the front of your nose, the smell brings you away from your thoughts. Your eyes trail up along the arm until it lands on the face of Reiner, his strong jaw was set, eyes reflect a certain harshness noted by the slight narrowing, but he did not seem upset at you.

“Hey...what is this?” You question.

“Emergency rations.” He places the food into your lap. He tilts his head, “Go ahead and eat that now, unless you want to pass out and head to the infirmary again.” It’s a lighthearted comment, known by the upwards curl of one side of his mouth.

You listen and slowly chew on your food, exhaustion finally flowing through your body, making you incredibly sleepy.

You softly call out his name, the graduates in the room chatting amongst themselves pay no attention to your interaction. “Thank you, Reiner….For saving me.”

“It’s all good. I told you I’d be there didn’t I? You can count on me when shit hits the fan.”

“Yeah…” A small chuckle escapes your throat. “Um, is there any way I can repay you?” You wanted to show your appreciation for him quite literally keeping you alive so far.

“No, there’s no need-” he goes to shoot down your request but you still try. “I want to!”

He deliberates for a moment taking in your expression, your eyes have softened, and your lips form a small frown. _Cute…_

“Fine. Since you insisted,” a large hand rests itself on the crown of your head, gently smoothing over the hair not covered in gunk, “ you owe me a date.”

“Huh?” A blush immediately blooms on your face. He bites back a laugh at the sight.

“Relax, it’s not a big deal. Like I said, there’s no need for you to pay me back.” Reiner laughs.

“...No it’s fine. I..I’ve never been on one so.” You’ve heard of dates, usually by the girls back in the barracks on their gossip sleepovers, but never did you expect that you would ever be asked to one.

“Yeah, I look forward to it Rei.” You give him a smile and Reiner is once again stunned. Yes, the gods have certainly blessed him with a kind angel.

Eren’s transformation certainly put a dent on the mission, but no worry the warriors would work their way around it. Reiner just had to eventually make you dependent completely on _him_ and him alone, he’d be your hero and if things succeed you’d even might willingly come back with him to his hometown.

Right now was not the time to act. He was glad that for once his head was clear and focused on his mission.

  
  


Behind a pillar, stood Armin who clearly listened to the conversation that took place. He had many questions, but was mostly confused. How the two of you ended up being close so quickly threw him for a loop. Reiner knew that you and Eren were close, so to suddenly swoop in? Armin was suspicious but he had no actual reasons to doubt Reiner’s intentions with you. 

Perhaps he had a crush, he concludes. But even still, Armin couldn’t shake the feeling of doubt simmering in his stomach. ~~He was right, and dear god did he regret not telling someone sooner.~~

Reiner is a man of many mysteries, with more questions than answers Armin comes up with. However, this wasn’t the moment to worry about that, he had to focus on Eren’s safety. Who knew what the government might want with him.

Tunnel vision makes many things go unnoticed to even the most observant. Such is a consequence of life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn no Eren this chapter 🤔🤔🤔🤔. Dw we’ll see him in the next one. Do you guys think Armin is gonna mention smth to him or will Eren notice reader and Reiner getting closer? Hmmmm idk lol
> 
> Thank you guys for reading, i give u mucho kisses hehe. See u in the next one!!


	8. No one else can have the part of me I only gave to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is unaware of Reiner’s increasing affection towards you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also here's a scientific article i used when researching on the emotional abuse, it rly helped me think abt how to go abt it-> https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3876290/
> 
> uh guess what besties...🤡 i ended up planning everything last night so yes, this story will only have 30 chapters (yes yes rainbowangel but like wtf why? That's so much and ur already at 27k words) *ben shapiro voice*: Well, let's say, hypothetically my maladaptive daydreaming since childhood is a precursor to me making insanely weird storylines. 
> 
> So what does that mean for yall? Well, it just means that you’re gonna end up with a freaking novella at the end merry xmas besties.
> 
> My classes started today, and yeah ill be busy but bc i'm an eren simp im still gonna post so don't think i died haha. It'll just be erratic posts like always. Anyway, back to this chapter. It’s heavy with lots of plot and character development, dare i say it may be *very* important. There’s pushing and pulling from both sides 😤. Tension….
> 
> Lol are u guys on Team Reinuh or Team Ereh?
> 
> Also to prove to you guys that I’m not joking with me planning here’s the next few chapter titles to come. I wonder if u guys can guess what might happen?😜:
> 
> 9\. Violent Crimes  
> 10\. Burn Babylon Burn  
> 11\. I thought about killing you, I contemplated (premeditated murder)  
> 12\. Sanctify

_“Wish I met you at another place and time_

_If only, if only you were mine_

_This love story ends for you and I,_

_Cause I'm already someone else's_

_Baby”_

Baby - Clean Bandit ft. MARINA and Luis Fonsi

xxx

  
  


Armin is an observant person, he listens rather than speaks.To be more precise, he is a person who believes that just by looking at someone they can provide many details. The texture of a pair of hands can give away the type of occupation the individual has; If it feels like rough, sandpaper-like kissed with many gnarled scars of a lighter flesh from the knuckles to the inside of the palms, the person must have a burdensome job like an engineer, farmer, soldier. Delicate with no imperfections of moles and wrinkles, but rather smooth like a newborn’s skin can possibly attribute to perhaps someone of higher status, people who don’t need to work, or simply those who possess the ability to live life leisurely.

From the way one places their weight on one foot or a hip, he can guess the unbalance can be due to constant injury from the lack of proper support. How someone’s shoulders tense or relax, helps as an aid to see that they’re thinking about something that weighs down in their heads. The way eyebrows and a simple gaze can let him almost accurately know if a person would be difficult to be able to get to open up, easy to talk to, avoid completely. After a few years, he feels that he’s pretty much gotten a strong grasp of his comrades and their behaviors. Though, it is important to know that he is merely human who often makes mistakes or misses something.

Your personal struggle was something that Armin could not foresee, and to this day it fills his chest with regret that even though he saw you so often he didn’t notice. It had brought about sighs of frustration, an anger in him at his lack of awareness to someone he considered a great friend. It still surprised him that somehow Eren managed to know you somewhat better than he could. 

Don’t get him wrong, he adored Eren through and through, but he knew the boy often couldn’t read the room, or pick up on context until much, _much_ , later. 

But when Eren understands something, his response is to react very intensely with his emotions, loud and passionate. So, when he glanced at Eren’s face back in the barracks of that night with Reiner and Bertholdt, he could see that his friend was incredibly distraught. He knows that he could be prideful at times, Armin and Mikasa are used to his period of keeping things to himself, so it wasn’t really strange in his eyes. However, Eren’s behavior was slightly different compared to previous times when he was concerned for his friends. 

This time, Eren’s grey eyes swirled with panic and _raw_ desperation-as if for the second time his life was destroying right before him all over again- something that Armin rarely ever saw. Armin adds to his notes in the back of his mind that the relationship between you and Eren is unique to yourselves, it is still friendship, but he feels that perhaps it’s not quite the right word to use…

  
  


Friendship is _not_ what it is, but Armin is unable to find a proper word in his vocabulary to label it.

  
  


It’s clear to him that something is changing between the two of you some days later. Eren and you come back from town side by side when Armin meets you two in the middle between the dirt road and the training grounds. He is alone, but he wasn’t worked up about it, Mikasa was out in the forest with Sasha and Connie, helping the pair improve on their speed with the ODM gear. Armin notices a few things as the pair make their way over to him.

First, he sees that Eren is almost like glue attached to you, shoulders touching often but neither seem to care about the proximity. Second, is probably what should shock him the most, but he sees the two of you are adorning crowns above your heads, a gradient of blues and pinks contrast beautifully between your hair colors, the small flowers still despite the bounce of steps. No, none of these observations really cause him to hold back the spit that has caught in the back of his throat. 

It’s the way the two of you _look_ at each other, that causes Armin’s eyes to almost pop out of their sockets.

The two are caught up in their own little world, quietly in conversation with one another, too low for him to hear. Eren’s eyes are reflecting a bright turquoise with the usual grey, his face is relaxed, face devoid of any harsh lines and Armin swears Eren looks _younger_. And for a second, the Eren in front of him is a different person, one who didn’t lose his mother, one who still had a childlike mirth in his walk.

Armin may not have experienced it firsthand, but he was smart enough to know that the way Eren was looking at you was the same look his father would give to his mother. Admiration, adoration, hell his eyes were telling him a bunch of things.

It’s almost a little overwhelming for him and Armin feels as if he’s intruding on a very, very intimate moment and he considers hiding behind something to let the two of you stay just like that, finding the interaction fascinating. It’s obvious to him that the feeling between the two in front of him is reciprocated, but because they are still young, still fresh, they haven’t realized what it is exactly that’s blossomed between them. Armin has a good idea, but he really didn’t like to settle on it unless he had more information, so he stores this moment in the back of his mental notes once again.

  
  


Friendship is _definitely_ not what it is.

  
  


x

  
  


After the battle of Trost, Armin is fortunate to be able to spend a bit of time with you alone. Eren was taken into custody by the Military Police, and he was soon to be presented in a hearing in front of Premier Zachary, who would decide on his fate a week from now. Armin and Mikasa were specifically called to attend since they were right there when Eren transformed. He hugged you especially tight, relieved that you made it out alive with all your body parts still attached. But when he saw the bandages across your body and the few hair thin scratches along your face, he nearly jumped out of his uniform. 

“Are you okay?! Don’t tell me you ended up breaking a bone or fractured something. How’s your temperature? _Maybeyoushouldgobacktotheinfirmary_ -'' His voice picks up in speed and raises a few pitches like a music scale, eventually rambling so fast that wasn’t comprehensible. A squeeze of his arms brings him back down to reality with you giving him a large grin, plump cheeks fail to diminish its warmth.

A giggle escapes between the two of you. “Hello to you too, Mr. Arlelt.” You always greeted him with such a strange phrase, but he appreciated it every single time. This time you begin to check on him, hands smooth over his jacket and neatly place some of the golden hairs that have fallen in front of his face behind an ear and he is reminded of how you first took care of him when the two of you initially met.

“How are you feeling?” You ask him genuinely, wondering how he was fairing after not only discovering that Eren can shift, but by almost being executed on the spot with hundreds of soldiers aiming their rifles and canons at them.

“I’m okay.” He assures you with a firm nod. “I’m more worried about Eren honestly, who knows if they’ll want him dead. But I can’t let them do that.” You nod along Armin’s thoughts. “Y’know,” Armin starts off a bit shaky, unsure of what he was about to tell you, “it’s going to sound crazy, but I wasn’t kidding when I said that Eren was eaten in front of my eyes. So when he came out of the neck of that titan, I swear I thought I just lost it and developed hallucinations because Eren was _breathing._ ” Armin lowers his voice to a whisper and brings you closer to hear him.

He says your name almost as a plea to help him understand the memory. “His arm and leg were severed, but when I held him I saw that the limbs had grown back! But with this development, we can probably convince the court that he is necessary to the survival of humanity. He plugged up the outer gate of Trost, but I’m sure with enough training Eren can plug up wall Maria as well.”

“Yeah, I see where you’re going with this..but do you think he’ll be okay with that kind of responsibility? It won’t be just the military, but you’re talking _humanity_ ’s going to put all this pressure on him.” Your concern is valid, as you knew that Eren jumps into action first and let questions rise later.

“I don’t see why not. If anything, it will inflate his ego a bit, but that will just give him more motivation.”

Armin takes a step back, looking you over deep in thought absentmindedly running a thumb over the gauze around your forearm. He’s unable to see your expression at this angle, his thick bangs obscures his view. “...My whole squad died as well.” His thumb halts its movement. “I..I’m sorry.” He could only imagine how you felt in the moment.

“S’okay. I wish I could’ve moved and done something faster. Most of their deaths were because I didn’t react quick enough.” Your eyes dull considerably and your shoulders shake a bit. “I’m only alive because of Reiner and his team found me. With my ankle I wouldn’t have been able to even be here right now.” Armin knows how you feel as it is something he’s experienced quite often; survivor’s guilt and feeling too weak.

“I understand. But don’t let it take over your mind completely...we can only move forward.” Armin gives you a sympathetic look. “It’s up to us to find out the truth of all this and see what’s beyond the walls y’know? It’s the least we owe to them.”

  
  


x

  
  


Reiner’s persistence in sticking around you makes Armin feel uneasy. He can’t explain it, but he just found it odd that what should be a clash of personalities doesn’t happen but a budding friendship seems to develop quickly. It appears one sided at first, with Reiner’s larger build sticking out like a sore thumb behind your smaller height causes some of the other cadets to throw strange glances your way. Connie thinks that Reiner has a crush on you, and that’s why he’s so _horribly_ obvious in his efforts to get close to you, but Armin sees that you welcome his presence, unaware of the comments the others have made.

His body language is awkward at times, posture stiff and his speech pattern changes when he speaks to you. It’s _very_ much not Reiner at all, strong and commanding but gentle and subdued. In a way, he mirrors Eren, but Armin notes the difference between the two males. Eren’s behavior is much more natural, often wearing his heart on his sleeve that is visible for everyone to see but himself, his eyes are vulnerable and fail to hide his actual feelings.

Reiner on the other hand is much more private with his actions, Armin is only able to see these interactions by either chance or from a distance. But Reiner does not seem to relax, he notes the clench of his square jaw and how the vein on his neck becomes much more pronounced when he’s with you. To anyone else, it really does appear that he is shy and Armin agrees. He can’t shake the feeling that Reiner’s eyes don’t seem to match the transparency of his gestures. They are hard to read in these moments, but his gaze is not soft, more calculated and serious.

Time passes and Armin notices that Reiner is becoming bolder with his affection towards you. He isn’t completely sure what happened but he started being more physical. It’s a buildup of small touches, sometimes he’ll ruffle your hair after telling you a joke, another time he’ll grasp your hand to join him, Bertholdt, Annie on an evening walk. A hand will place itself on the small of your back, but never for too long. It does make an impact on you from what Armin can tell, more often than not there would be an almost permanent blush across your face.

Eren wasn’t around due to him being under watch by Commander Levi after the hearing, this made him _technically_ an official scout member, but he wasn’t given any time to talk with his friends. Instead he was sent to immediately begin with training his new titan powers.

You are up there with Armin and Mikasa as someone who clearly misses Eren. When the three of you are together you make double the effort to give all your precious time to them; they were all up there as important in your eyes. One night, you finally told Armin and Mikasa just exactly what happened a few months ago before graduation and what you were dealing with, apologizing for being a burdensome friend. Armin cried silently as he held one hand, Mikasa quietly put her head on your opposite shoulder, gently grasping the other hand.

_“You know we should be the one apologizing to you.” Armin chokes out._

_“What? No, it’s all good. I’ll be okay, I have some amazing friends right here.”_

_“Still, you know you can come to us for anything right? You’re a dear friend to me.” Mikasa adds in, fingers playing with the frayed ends of her red scarf._

_Unbeknownst to you, the two made a promise to be more attentive to your behavior._

  
  


Which is why it still feels weird that Reiner is constantly seeking your attention. Mikasa once asked if Reiner was bothering you to which you responded, “Oh no, he doesn’t. I think he’s nice.”

“Okay, just let me know if he acts weird and I’ll do something about it.” The glare that Mikasa gives is murderous.

“Thank you, Mika. I’ll tell you if I have to.” 

  
  


x

  
  


“Annie c’mon you need to tell us the insider details. Are they _dating?_ ” A mischievous glint shines in Sasha’s merigold eyes, giddy in anticipation.

“Huh? No, they’re not.” Comes a short reply. “But how do you know? Reiner never hangs around a girl that often-”

“Oh, he seemed pretty eager to get chummy with my Christa back during training. Almost tore the bastard a new asshole for even saying her name from those pig lips.” Ymir interjects, arms wrapping around Christa’s waist from behind, the taller girl nuzzling her cheek against the silky platinum hair. “Ymir, why are you so mean?” Christa weakly sighs.

“I hate cocky people. _Especially_ men.”

“I think it’s cute that Reiner has a crush on her. He follows her around like a puppy.” Christa looks up in thought. “Though, I do wonder when exactly he started liking her.”

“Remember when he was carrying her back in Trost? It must’ve been there. Like if it weren't for the fact that you know, we were surrounded by titans and almost died, I’d say it was pretty romantic.” Sasha’s grin is a little too thrilled. Annie merely stares at the bunk above her as she rests on her bunk bed. What was supposed to be a nap, ended up not happening as the other girls bombarded her with questions. “He’s only acting like an idiot because Eren isn’t here.” A finger plays with her silver ring. Even Annie had her suspicions with Reiner’s acts towards you.

“Eh???” Christa and Sasha share a look in unison. “What do you mean?”

“That’s not my place to tell. But it’s just an opinion, so don’t go out of the barracks and have everyone and their mothers know.”

Annie gives a grimace, maybe one of four moods that have ever shown on her otherwise poker face. The shadow from the top bunk conceals her expression. 

“From what I can see, is that she likes Eren and that the kid shares the same feelings.” Ironically, she knew more about romance and whatnot than she let on. She did however, feel pretty certain that she was right. There were a couple of times when her insomnia forced her to walk outside in the dead of night, finding the two of you together. It was strange at first, seeing Jaeger calm and quiet, but over the next couple of years she found Eren and you on the field, and she’d watch for a couple of minutes, never coming closer to alert you guys of her presence.

Because Annie never felt the need to speak to anyone unless absolutely necessary, this caused her to be bored more often than not. So she quietly observes those around her, sometimes she’ll focus her attention you and Eren-though not in a _weird_ way. 

It’s a good balance, she randomly thinks. 

The two of you seem to bring out each other’s best qualities; It appears that Jaeger can actually feel things other than anger, humbling out when he’s with you, much more at ease. Those are the days that he excels in performance, and Annie acknowledges him as a fellow soldier. With you, she already had an idea that you were selfless, having seen it among the others, but you were always a little _too_ careful, too worried about saying what you were actually feeling, and she felt strange, because she was like that as well, but she behaved that way for her survival and chances of returning home sooner, seeing her father again.

Annie can see that you give out a lot of your love to those around you, even to her. In her perspective, it makes you an inadequate soldier, caring about your comrades who were the enemy in hiding, foolish in your naivety. But on a deeper level, she sees that you are authentic, despite your simple presence around the stronger characters.

_“Annie, would you like me to braid your hair when you train? I noticed that it bothers you when it falls out of your bun often.”_

_“Ah, yeah that’s fine.”_

_You handle Annie’s hair with a delicate touch, the soft brush gently tugs through her hair and along her scalp. It feels relaxing, and she can’t help but close her eyes and sink into the sensation. It’s over too soon in her opinion feeling you secure the end of her hair, plaited and falling to the top of her back._

_She runs a hand over your work surprised at the softness. “Thank you.”_

You were so soft towards her, and she gives in to the affection, years of constant pressure from her home, the military, the _mission._ This is the second thing she selfishly desires to feel the consistency of.

_“Congratulations on your score, Annie. You’re really incredible.”_

_“Ah.” Annie fiddles with her bangs. “Likewise, you’ve improved as well.” You understand her Annie-Like compliment._

_“Have you thought about which branch you want to join?”_

_You give her a small smile, “The scouts.”_

_“What a shame,” Annie thinks that branch is too dangerous for you, “...how am I going to keep my hair out of my face in the military police?”_

_Your laughter is airy around her, like wind chimes, the timbre magical. “I know, I’m sorry. I can teach you how I do it so you can learn how to recreate it on yourself.”_

_‘It won’t be the same.’_

  
  


Maybe this is why Annie is disturbed with Reiner’s random obsession with you. It’s suffocating and she’s not even the person who’s at the end of it. But she knows that you don’t have the capacity to voice that if you thought about it. She debates between intervening at points, but ultimately decides not to when she remembers that Reiner will ruin any chance of her being able to go to her father. For once, she wishes that she never became a warrior and be forced to prioritize this _stupid_ mission that didn’t even matter to her.

But Reiner won’t notice if she throws a bone, carefully swung. So, she tells you something in private.

_“You’re going to have to speak up when someone’s bothering you. Even a friend can become suffocating when you don’t put boundaries.”_

_“Eh…” For a second Annie recognizes the guilt flash in your eyes. “But if I do, they’ll be hurt and act differently. Even if they say everything’s fine, they’ll ignore me.” Fuck, Reiner already started his guilt tripping. Annie’s nails dig into the inside of her palms. “I’m not used to having so many friends, but it must be my fault if I make them feel that way.”_

_She grunts in disagreement. “You don’t need to be friends with people like that. Even if they try to make you feel sorry for them, you have to tell them to back off.” Annie knows she sounds like a hypocrite, here she was trying to tell you how to weed out fake friends when her entire life has been fabricated to infiltrate the island and walk among you._

_“If you feel like you can’t tell them, ask someone else to. I promise, you are not to blame for their emotions.” She knows who you’re talking about, you’re purposely shielding Reiner, probably because she’s one of his ‘friends’. “You should tell Jaeger. I don’t think he’d mind helping.” She might’ve not been able to, but she isn’t an asshole like people pin her out to be; Annie knows you trust him the most._

_“I don’t want to bother him since he’s busy working on getting his shifting down.” Right. Annie almost forgot about that._

_“You won’t. He loves you alot.” This causes a look of genuine surprise to spread across your face and Annie thinks you look very pretty. “You love him too, right? Then there’s no need for you to doubt Jaeger will be there for you.” She basically tried to tease you, despite sounding monotone. Well, there was nothing wrong with a little fun now and then._

_“...” You don’t try to meet Annie’s eyes, and she finds your sudden shyness endearing. She knows you don’t actually get the ‘type’ of love she was referring to. You most likely connected the word to unconditional love that a parent gives._

_“Thank you Annie, for being there for me too. I’ll tell him.”_

_Although she was shorter, she reaches up and pats the crown of your head in a silent understanding._

  
  
  
  


_x_

  
  
  


Eren feels warm as you hug him. The familiar scent of him fills through your nose and into your lungs, and you feel complete again. If time could stand still, you’d want to stay in this position for a lifetime. 

He gently calls your name. “It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other huh?” 

“Yeah it has.” Your arms still wound around his back. “I missed you.” You quietly confess, your voice failing to hide that his absence affected you. His hand reaches up to tug on a piece of your hair that has fallen out of your bun. Eren smiles. “I did too. Being with Captain Levi’s squad is neat and all, but I prefer being here anyway with you guys.”

A shudder runs through him. “Now I can have believable excuses to not let Hange grab me for more experiments…” He liked the eccentric scientist, but man those experiments took a lot of energy out of him after. But he pushed forward, although he himself still found his new ability strange, Eren was motivated by the fact that it was definitely a benefit to eliminate titans. Now if only he could control it fully…

Your hangouts are spread out depending on Eren’s availability so it leaves room for plenty of conversation to catch up. He tells you how he believes that his father’s basement may contain clues as to the origin of titans and how he’s able to turn into one himself. The key that hangs around his neck glistens in mystery. The new HQ of the Survey Corps is surrounded by plentiful grass, so it was easy to find a new “spot” for you both.

The moments you spend with Eren are gladly appreciated, often you find yourself focusing on the sound of his voice, baritone in tone but still youthful. It wasn’t often you had time with him alone, so although you wanted to tell him what was going on in your personal life, you find yourself pushing it away.

_Next time, I’ll tell him…_

The topic of that conversation gave you anxiety and bringing it up now would distract from you being able to enjoy being by Eren’s side. Eventually, Commander Erwin reports that one month from now, the scouts were to head out on an expedition, a mock mission to test if Eren had managed to successfully control his titan ability.

This makes him even more busy, your hangouts decreasing largely. You feel guilty about bringing it up, knowing that Eren’s plate was already full with things he needed to do. “Something bothering you?” 

“...How do you tell a friend nicely that you need boundaries? Like if they’re always in your personal space and you feel like you can’t breathe,” you play with the harness straps over your thighs, “but without hurting their feelings, because they don’t know.”

“Hmm is Jean being an ass again? Just tell him that his breath smells, that’ll totally get someone off of you.” Eren laughs loudly. “Sometimes people don’t get the hint the first time, so it’s okay to lie about something small like that. It’s a harmless joke.”

“Any decent person knows what line they can and can’t cross with people. It’s just basic respect.” You wish you were like Eren more, strong and confident in his own voice. He never cared if people disliked him.

“Hmm, I’ll use that.” You can’t bring yourself to tell him the truth at that moment. But after you’ve talked with Reiner, you’ll probably mention it to Eren after it’s passed.

.

.

.

.

.

You ended up not telling Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So funny story, I had a similar experience as MC with a friend back in high school. I was pretty unaware that the guy was developing feelings bc I just assumed that he was a good friend to talk to. Guy ended up confessing to me, and when I told him I didn’t reciprocate, he ended up self sabotaging by: taking even harder drugs, guilt tripping me into being his friend after I found out he was talking bad abt me on sns, and getting “our” friend group to convince me to be his friend again and took his side. He made my last semester of high school horrible and I cried alot bc at some point I felt that I was overreacting and it was my fault he switched up. Keep in mind that im short and the guy was much larger and taller and could prob hurt me if he wanted to. So I get MC, she knows she isn’t physically capable of handling Reiners emotions but shes just afraid of hurting people. Thats why she tried to tell Eren but he’s unable to really dig into her question bc his minds filled with other things And its a silent plea for help. God it pains me bc i wrote it liek damn☹️😩
> 
> But Annie is a real one ngl. She’s prob the only ‘sane’ warrior, and she likes MC. If Annie didnt have to worry about her dad im 100% sure she’d beat him up.
> 
> Don't kill me besties...ahaha ur so sexy. But yeah guys thank you for all the comments, you can see that i try to reply to everyone that i see. But don't worry if i didn't respond i actually read them.
> 
> but can we talk about how good eren looks in the newest ep of s4? Ugh hobo eren....so yummy everyone looks yummy.
> 
> god eren just tell MC u wanna kiss her, and MC tell eren you love him, i know, WE know. so cmon gurl.hahahhaah
> 
> see u guys next time~


	9. Violent Crimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiner plucks his angel’s wings one feather at a time.
> 
> You discover what ‘love’ really means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo hewwo. I dont have much to say abt this chapter🥸👀👀👀 but i felt bad abt all the cockblocking i was throwing at yall so theres a lil surprise in here 😳 a lil cute(more like angsty cough) moment

_“Fallin', dreamin', talkin' in your sleep_

_I know you want to cry all night, all night_

_Plottin', schemin', finding_

_Reason to defend all of your violent nights_

_Promise me you will see”_

Violent Crimes - Kanye West

  
  


xxx

  
  


Reiner smells of cinnamon combined with the fragrance best described as woody. While the two aromas together are certainly strong, you find that it suits his character; confident and masculine. Its presence is still intense underneath dirt, sweat, and blood from his duties as a soldier.

Strangely, it is a scent that seems to welcome you in without warning, and you often find yourself wondering if Reiner himself knew of it-though it looked as if the young man had no awareness.

The first time you had been able to _truly_ recognize it was during the night of graduation. Being slightly intoxicated should’ve meant that certain senses were more heightened, but even then you were only able to pick up the smell from the small gusts of wind in the alleyway. However, it was only one of many things you noticed about Reiner.

  
  


His face is adorned with many strong features, but all seem to live harmoniously in their respective spots; Thin, arched brows pulled to the center with a definitive crease, narrow golden eyes framed by short lashes, surprisingly black making the color just that much more concentrated. High cheekbones, and a pointed nose slightly raised at the nasal bone seemed carved out meticulously by some enamored god, and you agree that Reiner is incredibly beautiful.

  
  


He exuded an air of incredible confidence as a soldier, and he usually never gave away any indication of being scared; always keeping his head held up high and looking out for others. It seemed as if there was no projectile strong enough to break through this indestructible armor of his, and even you believed it long ago.

But every shield carries the marks of battle on its surface, regardless of its proclaimed durability. The cracks that spread across vary of length and depth, their patterns jagged and random. 

Some are so small they could be considered insignificant and are no way near concerning enough to question its ability to keep itself together. However, it is a foolish mistake to make. Because even the smallest hit can be the final one to break everything apart.

You unknowingly threw a strike against it, though it was accidental and barely nicked the layer, it was still enough for Reiner to be affected. To what degree, you truly didn’t know, but it left a horrible feeling in your stomach.

He was unusually quiet the entire day, with the scouting legion having daily formation practices spanning from morning to afternoon, leaving almost no time for small conversation here and there. You were paired along Armin, Jean, and Reiner with two other officers, riding the horses back to base and you gently smooth your hands over the coat of your own horse, a rich brown almost chocolate in shade.

Despite the chatter surrounding the two of you, he had barely made an effort to speak with you, his eyes had focused on the road in front of him, and the air around you felt a little _too_ cold and _too_ serious. It made you uncomfortable, because it felt like you weren’t actually looking at Reiner, the young man who’s become a good friend of yours, but just another soldier.

This silence continues on to dinner, Reiner still asks to eat with you, but he doesn’t meet your eyes. And even as you try to say something witty, to get him to release the low chuckle to escape the confines of his broad chest that you’ve enjoyed as part of your everyday life it doesn’t come.

  
  


This isn’t the first time he hasn’t talked to you, there were a few other times where you felt overwhelmed by how close he was, and you even tried indirectly keeping your distance but it never worked out. Reiner would never say anything directly to you, but his emotions show themselves to you in such subtle ways.

The first time Reiner no longer invited you to his walks with him and Bertholdt, a routine implemented when you weren’t with Mikasa and Armin that you had become used to. It was awkward for a few days, because he wouldn’t speak to you alone, and when you were all in a group he wouldn’t look your way. 

You couldn’t pinpoint if it was nausea or anxiety that would buildup, it leaves you feeling miserable and guilty-but it wasn’t your fault right? Friends just need a break from spending so much time together, you had no ill intentions or an ulterior motive. 

Then why are you being treated as if you didn’t exist? 

It’s the beginning of many apologies that spill from your lips whenever you find yourself coming to Reiner, smaller hands clutching his wrist tightly, forehead pressing against his back. 

Your form shakes as you weakly ask for forgiveness, nose inhaling his scent, desperately trying to burn the aroma into your memory and being all in one.

_“I’m sorry. Please don’t stop being my friend.”_

He forgives you so easily, and it’s almost embarrassing how much that winds you up with happiness, the cinnamon now completely inhabiting the air around you, trapping you in it’s grasp; it should have you reeling back but instead you dive in deeper.

_“Of course I won’t. I like you too much to just stop talking to you.”_

His sentence carries something heavy within it and you are still too _young_ and inexperienced to break down its meaning. But it’s okay, you didn’t need to. 

You and Reiner are still friends, and it brings forward a thought that in order to be a good friend, you can’t be selfish with mundane things if it hurts the ones you care about.

Christa mentions that it isn’t anything serious- something about a ‘lover’s quarrel’ comes up during those times, her large eyes (filled with such a bright blue that you wonder if they merely reflect the color of the sky) glisten with mischief.

She tells you that it’s normal for people who care about each other to get into little misunderstandings or ‘fights’ sometimes, but that they weren’t the end all be all, often bringing up that in her relationship with Ymir they would still bicker now and then.

_“It’s normal! Don’t worry about it.”_

So you accept it, if someone as magnificent as Christa said things were fine then you’d believe it.

  
  
  


x

  
  
  


Eventually Reiner does end up speaking to you again much later after the scouts had headed into their rooms. He ditches the uniform, sporting a black shirt of soft material paired along with loose pants, fitting for the rather warm temperature spreading over the last couple of days. 

“...and Bertholdt?” You ask, the question still manages to be swallowed by the silence.

“Knocked out. You should see how he sleeps, it’s pretty weird.” His voice drops a few pitches, the sound is tired and noted with the slight raspiness. “How weird is it?” You consider if it’s something as shocking as Connie sleeping commando.

Reiner raises his forearms in front of him, the defined limbs crossing in an ‘X’ shape, “He rests his legs like this on the wall with his arms crossed behind his back. The guys back in the barracks started a superstition that Bert can predict the weather based on where his head is pointing and how straight his legs are, but so far it’s been pretty accurate.”

It’s something that should release a laugh from him, a slight smirk upon thin lips but it never surfaces, despite his efforts to keep a conversation. It’s as if his mind is somewhere else, and his mouth and body are moving on their own, hollow. 

You bring your hand to rest on his bicep gently tugging just enough to get you and him to stop, pleading in your mind to have him _look_ at you.

“Reiner, what’s wrong?” You don’t bother asking if anything is okay, because that’s a selfish question, the answer is obvious. Some part of yourself hopes it's something _you_ did so you can fix it, so you can have Reiner acting like himself again.

“I promised I would be there for you, remember?” You crane your neck up to look at his profile, it’s still not enough for him to look at you and anxiety builds up tenfold. You must’ve fucked up this time. After all this time he must’ve gotten tired of you putting this distance because you couldn’t communicate without causing his feelings to be hurt again and again. 

“Reiner. _Look at me._ You can tell me I messed up again and I’ll fix it, you can even say that I’m just a bother but when you don’t acknowledge me-“ _I feel worthless._ You squeeze your eyes shut tightly to avoid the fresh tears ready to fall, and you take a deep breath mentally preparing yourself for the inevitable.

You lost a friend because of your mistakes. Would this be the first of many failures if you kept this up? What will you do when the rest of your friends get tired of you? _Armin,Mikasa,Jean,Sasha,Connie..._

_Eren._ Would he get tired of you someday? The mock expedition was to start in a week, and all you had done was force his attention away from his responsibilities. When he plugs up the hole in wall Maria, what then? Will the military pull you away from him, could you live with it?

Of course you had to. He was his own person, humanity’s savior and your job was to stay on the sidelines, to protect Eren with your life with nothing in return.

To unconditionally love someone means that you should never be selfish in receiving it back. The truth tears a hole in your heart because you want to be loved just as badly, for someone to mean it when they tell you _you’re everything_ to them, just as they are for you. Eren's never going to reciprocate the feeling, it must’ve been set from day one. He won’t remember any of the memories you had with him. Of course, he always looked at you so kindly, and treated you so well it made you warm and fill your stomach with knots, and you didn’t know what to do with these emotions.

But what if it’s all a lie? Was he only your friend to keep you happy, were the memories spent with him genuine?

  
  


Maybe he was satisfied with having only Mikasa and Armin as his best friends. It must’ve been a facade, the moment you end up as another casualty of a titan’s meal, you would be another nameless soldier who died on the battlefield.

  
  


Forgotten.

  
  


You weren’t special enough to be acknowledged, even now when you’re alive, breathing and living.

  
  


The world around you is spinning too fast, and the nausea won over the anxiety, the bile rushes up in a flash and you drop to your hands and knees on the ground. Your grip on the blades of grass rip them from their roots underground, stained with bile of the remains of your dinner.

It smells horrid, so potent you can’t help but keep gagging as tears fall as well. You know you look humiliating, a sorry excuse for a scout who can’t even deal with separation. _Fuckfuckfuck!_

_Eren…_ You were a coward. A fool who couldn’t even be honest with their feelings.

  
  
  


x

  
  


Perhaps it’s the sound of you emptying your stomach onto the ground, or the violent coughs that bounce off in the stale air, but it’s enough to _finally_ snap Reiner from whatever mood he was in, eyes refocus as he takes in his surroundings. It’s difficult to tell if Reiner the warrior was present, or the devil soldier.

  
  


It’s not until he looks to his side below him where he finds the origin of the noises. _Great, Reiner you just caused the kid to have a panic attack, she’s probably going to hurl a lung out at this point._ The familiar-but unwanted-voice returns, its presence gone for sometime.

_‘Damn it.’_ This simply wouldn’t do, here his divine angel was in agony all for him, because of him and he was standing around like a lost mutt. Reiner kneels down next to you, quickly grabbing your loose hair into his fist behind your head, his opposite hand making small gentle circles in your back. He’s high strung, because it feels like he hasn’t really _been_ here for quite a while, but he doesn't have the time nor the patience to question it, not with you in desperate need for his help.

He raises his voice just enough for it to reach to your ears over the loud sobs, masking it with enough confidence so that you knew he was here. “ _Shh.. it’s okay._ I’m here. I’m always going to be here for you.” Sure, the couple of times where you tried to distance yourself from him ‘hurt’ his ego, but you always came back to him, and things were perfect again.

The warmth from the air fails to clear your head after the attack and it has your grip on the ground faltering, body slouching forward.

Reiner manages to pull your body back against his before your face is deep in vomit, letting out a grunt of surprise from the uncalculated impact, unfortunately dragging the two of you to the ground. The grass digs into his back and through his clothing, and it takes a great resolve of will to not break character. 

Reiner is your hero, it is a role he decided long ago, and that he’s carefully planned in making you see that, to believe it is true. He had to make you _need_ him and only him for when the time came to leave back to Marley after the mission succeeded. You’ve since fainted next to him, eyes closed in almost a wince, an evident face of pain spreads across your face and he finds it ugly. 

You should never make these faces because of him! He was supposed to have you absolutely smitten with him, with your eyes looking up at him with gratitude and unrelenting love thanking him for being your hero.

Everything was fine. All he had to do was carry you over to a bunk in the infirmary inside headquarters, clean you up- _Pervert. You just want to feel her up don’t you? ‘Shut up. I’d never do something low like that.’_

Reiner may have been what some might call a war criminal, but the guy had _some_ morals. You were too innocent, and he’d rather slice off his own hand than do something to you. Only monsters took advantage of the weak. No, you were a prize that must not be tainted by anything.

Surely, there was nothing or no one that would get in the way with having you right?

  
  


A small noise catches his attention. But instantly his blood runs cold with an unknown rage, face souring.

  
  


“Ere..n.”

  
  
  


Well. Now he’s become an even bigger problem to Reiner.

  
  


x

  
  
  


“Reiner, what are you doing?” 

Eren’s eyes widened at the sight in front of him, suspicion throwing up large signals at him with endless questions at just _what the hell_ was going on.

He had decided to sleep at the infirmary tonight instead of his private room, the latter much more distant and his weary muscles ached to rest after a grueling week of training his titan shifting. Recently, he’s had a harder time falling asleep immediately after, now usually staying awake for hours staring at the wall of his room hoping to go into a deep slumber.

He was only gifted with two hours of rest, however it was interrupted in a split second after his mind became aware of the shuffling outside the door. Eren opened the door quickly before the other person could, the wooden door creaking loudly as it swung quickly to the side. He’s met with the surprised expression of Reiner, the taller almost taken aback that he bumped into him.

Eren realizes that Reiner’s not alone, your name tumbles from his lips. Your unconscious body is held in the blonde’s arms, random strands stick to the crown of your forehead from sweat. 

His nostrils flare harshly and he directs his gaze back to Reiner’s face, only this time the taller boy’s expression twists into-is it discomfort? Eren isn’t sure what to make of it but the situation only disturbs him.

“Oi...you better have a good answer, Reiner.” _Don’t tell me you’re a creep now._

  
  


“Relax, Jaeger.” An awkward laugh escapes from Reiner, throaty. “The kid and I were out talking and the dinner she ate really didn’t sit well with her stomach.”

He makes a bizarre face, nose wrinkling in distaste. “You should be able to _smell_ it right? She ended up puking her guts out on the grass. Pretty sure she has food poisoning.”

Well, that certainly explained the current state you were in, but it didn’t clear up exactly _why_ the two of you were speaking alone this late. Surely, the ridiculous rumor Jean mentioned wasn’t true right?

_“Hey, Eren. Figured I ask you since you're her closest friend, but uhm,” Jean reaches a hand to scratch his nape, a dark eyebrow raised. “You don’t have any idea if she’s with Reiner?”_

_“Huh?” Eren shoots him an incredulous look. “What kind of question is that?” Seriously, was Jean playing a prank on him?_

_Jean merley groans, the hand that was busy now dragging over the front of his face, the movement pulling elastic skin downwards somewhat. “You’re such an idiot…” A mumble breaks from behind his palm, to which Eren is unable to make out._

_“Of course a maniac like you wouldn’t know about these things...anyway rumors have spread within the soldiers that those two are together. Though, it’s mostly been brought up by the girls specifically_.”

_“Together?” Eren wasn’t really getting his point._

_“Dating, dumbass.” Oh. This was news to Eren, usually he never involved himself with gossip around him, more often he would be physically away from everyone. It made sense as to why a lot of these things go over his head._

_“Sasha begged me to ask you for whatever reason, but I don’t think you even know how that even works-“_

_“Of course I know what it is, Jean. I’m not a fucking child.” Jean noted that the tip of Eren’s ears are bleeding a bright red against tan skin, and he holds back a laugh at his attempt to not embarrass himself in front of him._

_Eren’s never been that good at hiding his feelings, Jeans figured this out for three years, but he makes no comment on the lie, continuing on with the topic. “Yeah, yeah I know. But listen, what do you make of it? I heard they were supposed to go on a date eventually.”_

_A date? Why would you ever consider hanging out with Reiner that much? The last conversation he had with you was about how you wanted Reiner to give you space because the guy didn’t know boundaries._

_Things like dating and romance never really crossed his mind throughout his time in the military. Sure, he had some point of reference on how couples act, his parents were basically the textbook example of two people in love. He understood there was a difference between platonic and romantic feelings, but there was never any point in his life where he could find it._

_“....he’s always staring at her mouth, so I see where Christa and Sasha were getting at.” Oh right, Jean’s still talking to him._

_“...”. Jean seriously couldn’t figure out why he tolerated Eren’s lack of context clues. “Are you that dense!? You’re a whole guy and you mean to tell me that you’ve never stared at someone’s mouth and thought about kissing them because you like them?”_

_“Pft! Why the hell would I tell you something like that??” Eren feels his face burning at Jean’s implication, “are you basically saying ‘you’ do the same thing with Mikasa?”_

_Eren didn’t really want to talk about this anymore, so he figured if he redirected it back to horseface and his weird admiration for Mikasa it would give him more than enough time to pull away. Luckily for him, Jean ends up a sputtering mess, the boy quickly making an excuse about how he had to clean the upper floor of the castle and how Captain Levi would punish him if he didn’t get it done._

_He’s left standing alone a few moments later, long fingers bring out the key that rests against his collarbone, twirling the golden object attached on a string around his neck._

Before Eren could ask Reiner that question, the sound of someone walking to their location is known, heavy footsteps echo against the floor of the castle, a low whistle rings through the silence. A crate filled with various papers and books bounce with each step, and eventually Eren’s eyes trace up to recognize that It was Hange.

“Squad Leader Hange!” Reiner speaks up, surprised by their appearance.

“Eh, what’s this?” Hange stops in their tracks, looking over at the three of you, large brown eyes particularly focusing on your face, eyebrows raising. “Braun.”

“She came down with food poisoning, so I tried bringing her here to see if there was still a medic officer awake-“Right, well they’re most likely asleep. Never mind that, I can help her! Eren bring her over to the empty bed over there.” Hange cuts him off quickly rushing between the teenagers heading onto the inside quickly grabbing the supplies.

“It’s alright Braun. You can head back to sleep, she’ll be in good hands.” A hand waves in the air lazily, basically telling him to leave.

Eren carefully gets you from Reiner’s arms, glancing subtly to see that he was giving him an expression he couldn’t quite make out from the dim lighting. By the time he put you under the blanket on the bed and turned around Reiner was gone. _Weird...what’s with him?_

  
  


x

  
  
  


“Her body is a bit warm, but not enough to indicate that it’s progressed into something serious. Most likely she ate too quickly and her stomach had difficulty digesting.” Hange rolls up the sleeves of their white dress shirt to their elbows before lifting their arms above their head, stretching and letting out a drawled yawn. 

“Mmn. That’s good at least.” Eren mumbles staring at your sleeping form, a damp rag rests on your forehead, long hair spread out all over the pillow.

“As much as I want to stay up and still take notes on titan research, I’m exhausted.” Hange gets up from their seat and makes their way over to the door, “Hey, Eren. You can have the day off from experiments tomorrow.”

“Uh, are you sure?” Eren quickly looks over to them, confused at the smile plastered on their face-bordering between a grin and being downright insane.

“You have more important things to worry about, right?” Their head tilts over to you silently. “I know you won’t focus until she’s feeling better.”

Eren can only shuffle from where he was standing, avoiding Hange’s eyes as he stares at a point on the floor tracing the textures in his mind.

Hange leaves with a quiet parting closing the door leaving him alone with you, the only light source coming from a candle, the glow a soft orange hue against black.

He takes a seat next to your bed, silently looking at your face. Eren has a gut feeling that Reiner was purposely keeping whatever happened between the two of you private, somehow doubting that it was just solely you getting sick.

There were dried steaks of tears that were painfully obvious on your cheeks. He’s surprised he didn’t immediately react to seeing it. Tomorrow he’d pull Reiner aside and get it out of him.

“...Eren.” A weak whisper almost goes unnoticed by him, grey eyes staring directly at yours; lidded and struggling to keep open.

He whispers your name back with familiarity, part of him relieved you were for the most part okay, but the other half was still perturbed, wanting to ask you directly but he tried to hold his tongue.

Keyword: _tried._ “What happened? Don’t lie to me.”

His voice is almost too low to hear, the sound leaving from a deep part of his chest, even breaths fill the silence of the infirmary.

Closing your eyes for a moment, you appear to try and recall the events that took place over the last couple of hours. “...Nothing bad. More like...I’m just an idiot.”

Eren feels a twang in his chest out of place and off-key like a piano, sending his heart rate to increase quickly. A smaller hand snakes out from under the confines of the blanket reaching up to faintly tap the key hanging down from his position, leaning his torso over the bed.

“...Would you hate me if I tell you that I can’t imagine a world without you next to me Eren?” Your eyes keep on the key to his father’s basement, the largest puzzle piece to understanding just exactly humanity was dealing with.

“What?” Eren feels his breath stop completely, his mouth opening slightly in surprise.

“I’m not exactly an important person to this cause. My duty is to protect you and keep you alive even if I die, and I’m fine with that, I’d always do it again and again.” Your eyes reflect a deep sadness, almost as if you’ve accepted something you didn’t want to. “But, I’m scared that it’s all I’ll ever be, just a nameless soldier who died in action.”

You take a large gulp, struggling to continue- your head hurts so much but it doesn’t compare to the pain in your heart. You’ve already ruined one friendship, maybe by rambling you can finally have Eren see you’re a burden as a friend.

“All the memories we made together are so special to me, it’s like everyday is always my birthday with you. I want to always be next to you even to the end, but it’s ridiculous I know. It’s most likely that we’ll grow apart as we learn the truth about the titans and after you plug up wall Maria.”

For once tears do not form from the lack of energy, their ghosts still appear if you focus hard enough. 

Your true feelings stay at the tip of your tongue, right at the edge of the cliff ready to jump and plunge into the vast unknown. You love Eren, this is something you know but what exactly does that mean to you?

What do you call it when you feel safe in his arms, gentle but firm enough that it has you filled with happiness?

  
  


When despite him knowing your ugliest secrets and faces, he always looks at you like you’re wonderful to look at?

  
  


Why is it that you trust him with everything there is to know about you, and it feels like he does the same?

  
  


But, it doesn’t make sense, Christa said that friends fight at some point, so when the time actually happens between the two of you, how will you move forward?

‘Fighting’ or whatever it is that happens between you and Reiner hurts of course, you care about him just like any other friend. He’s a boy who struggles with his identity just like you, and while you try your best to stay there for him, a grounded rock, it’s tiresome but you can’t just suddenly uproot yourself and leave him alone.

You _can’t_ break your promise to him, you know you would be scum if you did that- and it felt like Reiner would indirectly remind you of that commitment.

Eren and you had something kind of like a promise, but it wasn’t exactly that. It was something more stable, _more_ raw and intense in understanding between the two of you. You just didn’t have a word to describe it.

Can ‘love’ cover it, those feelings that circle in you?

Maybe, that’s all it is. A simple word but with many meanings. Eren made you feel things previously unknown to you, but they were something warm and kind, special and adored. You realize that Eren is the _only_ person you want to hold you, to touch you, to walk beside you while you’re still alive.

You think back to that conversation about marriage back on the fields a few weeks ago. It causes your heart to palpate and cord snaps within you, releasing a flood of emotions that were hidden.

_Eren._ You want a future with _him_.

Selfish. You’re so selfish about this desire. It’s something you can’t tell him and probably won’t ever will. Eren is the sun, the accumulation of thousands more, the brightest star of the heavens. You don’t know it but Eren thinks you’re just as beautiful as the moon, always running after it, never stopping.

So you push it down, but you don’t try to erase it from your mind. You merely put a veil over it.

“So even if all my friends forget me years and years later it’s okay.” It’s not but it is something you must bear.

“Eren, I don’t want you to, most of all.”

“Stop.” _Huh?_ “You’re too serious sometimes, idiot.” He ends up making his way under the covers with you, blowing out the candle beforehand. Darkness covers the room, with one small window passing just enough light for the two of you to make out each other’s faces.

Eren smells of violets and fresh linen. It is a subtle scent mixed in with his natural musk that is just so _him_. It’s almost as if he could read your mind, resting his forehead against yours, his dark brown strands intertwining with the color of your own.

“I’m tired, so let’s just sleep.” He mumbles, eyes mirroring your own state.

“I don’t plan to forget you. Not now or ever. You don’t have to worry about me hating you,” he still manages to give you a small smile, and instantly any worry you had went away. How does he always manage to ground you?

“I can’t imagine a world without you too, so I won’t.”

  
  


x

  
  


Hange later finds the two kids sleeping next to each other under the small bed in the early morning, snoring quietly, cheeks pressed against one another. It brings a knowing smile to their face and Hange locks the door with the help of Moblit, to not let others disturb them.

“It’s cute, Mob. I felt the same way with all my titans, especially Sawney and Bean.” Oh, how terribly Hange missed them. The culprit was still out there hidden among the scouts.

“Eh, so it seems.” Moblit flips to a fresh page in his sketchbook, ready to take notes for their research today. “So we’ll just continue on without Eren’s power for today I assume?”

“Yeah. I’m not as crazy as Levi makes me out to be. I’m someone who feels things just like everybody else.” A hint of a grin grazes their lips.

“And those two have something. Honestly I want to include the other kid with my research as well, because maybe his feelings towards her can possibly help him later on.” Hange already knew who you were from the records of Shades. While you ranked in the 30s you showed remarkable teamwork, effort, and fared better academically.

“It’s good that she’s here. She doesn’t have to push herself to be overwhelmingly strong physically like the other cadets.”

“You want her to be an assistant for us don’t you?” Moblit guesses that there’s another thing on their mind.

“Of course! Any help is welcome, but I think she’ll like it,” Hange’s face falls into a much more serious one. “But really I need to personally look over those two, because it’s good that they rely on each other, but it’ll be bad if the two become codependent, and should something happen to either one, Eren might lose control.”

“I need them to both become independent and comfortable with themselves and know their personal roles for being here. They’re both equally important just like the rest of the scouts.” Hange rubs one eye with the back of their palm.

“I want to know the truth just as much as they do. So if it means giving these kids small moments of just being normal, and not worrying about the risk of death on every mission they head towards, then it’s a sacrifice I’m glad I made.” Moblit nods in understanding.

“You sound almost like a parent.” A lift at the end of Moblit’s observation gives it a tone of mirth.

A pat on his back causes him to straighten his posture, flustered from the contact. “Think so? Then I guess you’re my sworn partner to raise them.” Moblit sputters incoherently as Hange’s laugh carries through the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we can see Reiner’s manipulation’ is really a mix between his complex and actual intent to have her all to himself, but the lines are blurred.Is he actually into her?hmmmmm but yeah alot of it was psychological manipulation but he barely had to do anything, MC’s own thoughts were basically messing up everything for her and bam mentow breakdown.
> 
> i apologize for the long wait on the chapter...honestly i had a tough time planning this one out- just w the overall direction and points.(more like school got me busy and i couldnt find the perfect mood to write this in ).but i enjoyed the challenge it gave me. Thank u everyone for staying this long, i love you guys and i look forward to your reactions once again im so sorry for the wait:(
> 
> Also if you’re curious as to the scents i coded for reiner and eren:
> 
> (Reiner’s) Versace Eros Flame  
> (Eren’s) Prada L'Homme
> 
> Things will pick up next chapter so i hope it comes out good hahaha...until then thank u for reading and see u soon maybe😅


	10. Tell me how to feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie never carried regrets in her heart. As she heard your broken screams call out her name with such torment, she couldn’t help but cry too as crystal surrounds her body. It’s such a despicable and fitting end for her, a thought she barely manages to conjure up. The crystal is cold and for once, she despises the loneliness it brings.
> 
> Annie carries one regret: She wishes she had given up on this stupid mission ages ago, if it meant that the last image of you wasn’t filled with betrayal and pain, but of your smile and pretty eyes, those dumb eyes that saw something normal about her, that made you want to be her friend.
> 
> Annie wishes she was born on this island of devils a thousand times, as long as it meant that she would meet you again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYSSSSS I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THIS SPECIFIC CHAPTER AHAHAH. Crazy but i just had this gut feeling that ‘this’ chapter had to be Annie centric. Like my brain said no ifs ands or butts. And I think this chapter specifically is a rly good crossroad for just the absolute horror that befalls the scouts coming up. Originally, I was supposed to have reiner and berts betrayal come up here but it just didn't fit coming up so soon. Thankfully my weird brain said wait how about we give da readers some more relationship building and then hit them w da semi truck of feels head on🤔😏😏
> 
> I love annie i lovr annie and shes my fav warrior and sucha great character and so badass and i rly like her impact on Eren’s character in the series.
> 
> So this chapter is p short but gets to the point

_“That Arizona sky burnin' in your eyes_

_You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire_

_It's buried in my soul like California gold_

_You found the light in me that I couldn't find_

_So when I'm all choked up_

_But I can't find the words_

_Every time we say goodbye_

_Baby, it hurts_

_When the sun goes down_

_And the band won't play_

_I'll always remember us this way”_

Always Remember Us This Way - Lady Gaga

  
  


xxx

  
  
  


Annie is a lonely girl. 

  
  


This shouldn’t surprise anyone, in fact one does not need to feel sympathetic towards her. She’s not a person who is absorbed into the comments made about her. When people talk about her body and appearance it annoys her, but she ignores them( _except_ for that one time she broke Porco’s wrist for making fun of her nose).

If it’s about her stand-offish personality or ‘bitchy’ face as Reiner tactfully calls it, she scoffs and gives a good glare—it usually shuts them up, or has them piss their pants; she didn’t care either way.

People already constructed an identity about her without actually _knowing_ who she was, so might as well hand them their slice of cake and eat it too.

Her skills were always a hot topic growing up. It was always discussed during her warrior training among the officers high up in the ranks, always fucking muttering about her like she was an animal.

_“She’s the perfect candidate for inheriting the female titan. Ruthless in battle thanks to her hand-to-hand combat skills, Annie’s one of our most prized weapons.”_

_“The little she-devil has no idea how grateful she should be that this country spared her despite her blood.”_

As a child she would kill insects often, the knowing sound of the creatures crushing under her boot, twisting back and forth distracts her mind sometimes. It was the commander’s heads she imagined beneath her, asking for mercy and apologizing for all the things they put her through.

She puts up with it at the end of the day, focused on finishing the stupid task assigned to her quickly so she can go home to see her father. Annie sticks with the other warriors for the majority of her time despite her disappointment, their loud personalities bug her but they still provide enough noise to ground her, reminding her that she’s not ‘alone’.

  
  


But do not misunderstand, Annie Leonheart is fine with being a lonely girl, she thrives on minimal interaction and keeping to herself if the opportunity presents itself. She neither experiences positive or negative emotions based on that, but just something in the middle and neutral. 

Somehow knowing all these things about her it isn’t enough for some people, and it’s those special individuals that manage to stick onto her for a while despite her efforts to _not_ let anyone get close to her.

_Why me?_ She groans often. Annie doesn't _want_ to be seen or heard any more than what was known about her through public information and military reports. If anyone wanted to know, there was always a selfish motive behind it, to use her for power or greed—there was no difference, they were the same in her eyes.

Annie is a lonely girl who is comfortable in her solitary bubble for many years. It’s safe enough for her on both sides so that she won’t ever think to leave out of her own will, or have someone dumb enough to try and poke around where it doesn’t concern them.

  
  


x

  
  


Scratch that, maybe there _are_ dumbasses stupid enough to try, their names including Eren, Armin, and you.

  
  


During her time spent under the 104th, Eren had earned the nickname of ‘suicidal maniac’ to which she agreed fit the hot-headed teenager. He was always _so competitive_ at everything, frankly unfazed due to the similar behavior exhibited by her fellow warriors back then (Reiner and Porco were always fighting about who would inherit the Armoured Titan, and honestly both were terrible choices-but hey, she wasn’t a Marleyan so what did her opinion matter anyway).

Still, sometimes his passion brings some shocking results from time to time. It’s surprisingly kept him here on sheer determination alone despite his lack of body control and strength. 

It throws her off when Eren asks Annie to teach him her special fighting moves during a sparring session. At first she declines, replying with a tone of disbelief that he would ask about something like that, something so _personal_ of her. _Why me?_ She asks in her mind. What was it that he wanted out of her?

“Annie you’re the best cadet in sparring, and your fighting style is unique and able to take down bigger opponents easily. You need to teach me please!” Eren pleads, his grey eyes reveal a dazzling green shade on this sunny day.

“But...realistically, there’s no benefit from me teaching you it. It’s not like you’re ever going to fight a titan with your fists and _win_ at that.” 

Titans were what, over 4 meters tall minimum? And even if he did only have his hands as a last resort, his speed is still too slow to defend from an uncalculated grab.

“It doesn’t matter, I feel like it’s still important for a soldier to know how to learn combat effectively.” 

“I’m asking you because I think you’re incredible Annie. Please consider it.” The passion in his eyes does not diminish even once and Annie finds herself agreeing relenting to his insistence.

“ _Tsk._ Fine,” She begins to raise her fists to her face, one leg stabilizing her body from behind, squaring her pelvis for equal distribution of gravity. “Just so you know Jaeger, I’m not going to hold back.” Annie feels herself make a hint of a smirk.

It takes less than a minute for the “lesson” to end, Eren flipped over with his feet hanging over his shoulders, dirt staining his uniform everywhere. She brushes off the imaginary dirt off her white pants and hoodie. “Told you.”

Maybe this would give him the hint that she’s not worth the trouble to know about.

“Ow….” Eren flashes her a giant grin despite his body language clearly displaying pain.

“What the hell Annie, I knew you were strong but _this_ ??? You need to keep teaching me—only if it's okay _owow_ —you’re badass!”

Annie literally feels her bubble’s outer layer pop during this, and usually she doesn’t give any reaction to praises towards her. They came from people who either saw her as not human, an enemy _,_ or a rival to inherit one of the nine’s titan abilities. There was always something they wanted from her, regardless if she never gave consent. Always a catch.

But strangely here Jaeger boy was not only asking her, but genuinely complimenting her ability. He didn’t want to use her but to _learn_ from her. It has a strange effect on her body, a fuzzy feeling she can’t describe and the faintest blush appears on her skin.

Rather dying than let anyone see _her_ flustered, she turns away abruptly kicking a stray rock to the side. 

  
  


“Okay. I’ll keep teaching you.” 

  
  


x

  
  


One fool turns to two and thus, Armin Arlert is the next person to prod at her carefully preserved shield, hoping this time that it will actually hold and push him back.

He’s much more quiet and reserved compared to his best friend, but he carries within him an equal passion in regards to academics, strategy, and the history of titans. She is briefly reminded of Zeke, an older warrior who shared similar qualities. Throughout their three years eating, shitting, and training under the same roof you would think there would be more interactions between them. But it’s fine, she thinks. It’s better that she didn’t let him know her, because then he’d eventually figure things out, how things _did_ not appear as they seem, how Annie wasn’t even supposed to _be here_.

That didn’t stop his curiosity. She thinks back to the sudden equipment inspection the 104th were subjected to hours before their time for branch selection, it was something she had prepared for in advance just in case suspicion arose on her.

Hange’s two captive titans, Sawney and Bean the crazed scientist named them, had their lives ended prematurely by her blade before the crack of dawn. She ended up switching her gear out with Marco’s quickly after the previous went untouched for some time.

Annie sometimes holds guilt over his fate, how it was Reiner, Bertholdt, and her fault that he ended up being another casualty for their mistakes. But it never lasts long enough to make her pause, to take a couple of moments and think why exactly she was _still_ trying to complete the mission, why she still busted her ass and risked her life on the daily for a home that wasn’t really home, one that didn’t care about her but of her power.

She’s standing next to Armin and Connie as inspections take place, her baby blue eyes focus on a crack on the wooden floor, grounding her enough so that she can shut out everything going around her, the noises building a growing steady migraine in the back of her eye. Beside her the two boys talk about who could be the culprit, titans, and then shifting to the topic of branches themselves.

“Hey...Annie, what do you think?” Connie asks, he tilts his head to look over at her, his face something like worry and unease as a sweat drop falls from his temple down the side of his cheekbone. _Jean’s joining the Survey Corps_ , he tells her. It must’ve been an abrupt decision, but it wasn’t that shocking, just about every cadet was crazy in one way or another so she didn’t care enough about what they did. 

“...I don’t think anything.” She keeps her gaze straight ahead, “My mind’s already made up.” The _Military Police_ , a branch reserved for only the top ten, a spot guaranteed to be much safer with more benefits, but at the end of the day these didn’t matter. She only chose the obvious branch because it’ll aid in their search to weed out the king from hiding, to take the founding titan and leave the island with minimal detection.

Still, why would anyone be willing to sacrifice their lives for the corrupt politics and military, whether it was killing titans and humans made no difference to her. It was all useless.

“Hey Annie...you think I should go for the MPs , too?” Connie sounds so unsure, and if any other person was around like Reiner he’d probably laugh and tell him to _man up_. But Annie understood his fear, it isn’t something that was really there in her but it was around her all the time, so she felt a tad bit sympathetic.

“Look, if someone told you to die...would you?” She certainly didn’t, if she had any choice in the beginning she’d run away from Marley with her father to somewhere, anywhere so that she could be free away from the killing, away from the destruction, away from the discomfort of failing the mission given to her. Connie tells her _no_ , in a tone that says _really? What kind of question is that?_ But it’s a valid question nonetheless, a question that honestly shouldn’t be given to anyone, but they live in a world where words don’t bring progress but war.

“Then you should do what you want to do. How about you Armin?” This time she addresses the blonde next to her.

Armin responds with a carefully thought answer like always, something that Annie surprisingly admired secretly. “..If I could understand _why_ I had to die,” his voice is strong, the polar opposite of Connie’s and she finds herself looking at him. “I think there are times people have to die..even if I don’t like it.”

_So that’s how it is_ , “You’re a weakling, but you’ve got the spirit.” If it’s a compliment or insult no one can tell, as she makes no effort to elaborate. Armin lets out a soft chuckle grabbing her attention once again.

“Annie, you’re actually pretty nice you know?” He gives her a small smile, but a smile nonetheless, his words though plain still end up going through the second layer of her protection, puncturing her chest just enough to catch her off guard, bringing up the strange but familiar pounding of her heart, skipping so often.

_Nice._ Annie knows she’s far from that, far from redemption, far from forgiveness, far from any chance of living normal.

But just for that day, she takes it to heart and gives a small nod at his compliment, feeling human for that split moment.

  
  


x

  
  


Annie thinks you’re probably one the dumbest kids around. Grouped together with Sasha and Connie the three of you are perhaps the childish ones out of the cadets, always smiling and joking, it’s hard to imagine that you’ve all experienced significant trauma over the last few years. Sometimes she feels that you fall a bit behind the others socially, your mannerisms and awkward pauses give away your hesitation to communicate, but that’s where the laughing comes in to make up for it, your effort to make others around you happy.

It’s very pure, very loving, very _you_. She finds herself jealous of you when she’s around to experience these moments, but it’s not from hatred. More that she was annoyed that your presence affected her. 

When Reiner would force her and Bertholdt to ignore you, her agitation would boil over and many times she thought about killing him right then and there.

You never cried in front of her, but she can still tell when it happens, your dumb eyes lack their usual spirit, eyebrows tense with your eyelids slightly irritated from always rubbing at them with your palms. She wasn’t good with comforting—never has been, but that’s just her lack of emotional support growing up and self isolation from others—so all she tells you is that you look silly making these faces.

It ends up working everytime with you ending up laughing at her horrible attempt at humor.

Annie doesn’t care about other people usually, but she’s confused with herself as to why she makes the time and effort to hang around you. Simple and plain at first glance, as time passes she finds that you’re much more complex in character. But it’s that innocence hidden like an uncut diamond in the rough that she finds stays constant despite the tragedy and stress that the daily life of a soldier brings, and Annie thinks that it’s your essence as to who you are as a person, and she’s pulled toward that for reasons she doesn’t want to justify.

Really, she’s embarrassed that you barely had done anything to catch her attention and have it stay consistent. 

Maybe it first happened when you offered to braid her hair, how you slowly took your time brushing through the knots in her hair, and making sure not a single strand fell out humming quietly weird hymns every time.

It could’ve happened after you struggled to get the basics of her blocks and punches down, always worn out with bruises blooming on your ribs and arms. She decided to teach you her father’s technique without you asking, a first from her. When you asked why she didn’t give you a straight answer; _“Humans are more cruel than titans are. So you should always be able to be ready to defend yourself even if you’re at a disadvantage.”_

It takes two weeks for it to stick and while your form is still stiff and not used to the strain you do your best to learn, always grinning your dumb crooked smile after every session towards her.

It was something that stabilized her mood when she’s around you, and Annie finds that it makes her feel ‘normal’. With you she doesn’t necessarily have to put her guard up, or act different; Somehow you enjoy her for just the way she is. You’re part of her routine now when you’re available. You’ll join her walks, eat breakfast with her sometimes, workout with her but still can’t catch up with her harder ones, braid her hair when she asks.

It never goes any deeper from both sides. Annie still never commented on your depression and past and neither you in hers, and there is still an unspoken agreement that it was better not to. It was better not to _get_ too close, too attached to what could be called a budding ‘friendship’. 

Annie couldn’t really own up to that label, knowingly admitting to herself that she was a traitor through and through. She prefers to keep that distance if it meant that you still talked to her, naive and clueless, kind and attentive. At least until she joined the MP’s.

  
  


Somewhere in her mind she wanted it to go beyond that, but it’s a dream that would never come to fruition.

But it’s okay, Annie was a lone wolf from the start so your absence in her life as she continued forward will have no impact on her.

  
  


_“Today’s the day huh? Wow...I’m really going to miss you Annie.”_

_“Tch...why are you making that face again? You look dumb.” Annie finds herself feeling a bit melancholic over the parting._

_“Haha..yeah,yeah I know, but I can’t help it. I enjoyed all the time I spent with you. Crazy how you’re the only one going into the MPs.” Your smile is being burned into her memory._

_“It’s because all of you are just as suicidal as Jaeger, it’s better that I don’t even question your reasoning for going to the scouts.”_

_“I guess so. But maybe it’ll get us far enough to see progress and hopefully eliminate the titans outside the walls and explore what’s out there.”_

_Annie knows it’s a childish dream that’s shared between everyone here, one bound to fail under the hands of her and the others. So she merely says nothing._

_Her choices were going to end up killing you someday, and it’s something she doesn’t want to think about, instead telling herself that it’ll all be over soon._

_“Hey, Annie. You think we’ll be able to see each other again?” No. Yes. She honestly doesn’t know. Her plan is to retrieve Eren and the founding titan, and if Reiner’s still crazy enough to drag you along with them back to Marley, then yes it’s not the last time._

_It won’t be the same the next time she sees you. Because by then you’ll find out just how rotten she is._

_“Maybe.”_

_“Okay, then I’ll braid your hair then just the way you like it when the time comes.”_

_“I’d like that.” Annie gives you a faint hint of a smile, the first and perhaps the only one you’d see in your lifetime._

  
  
  


Annie is a lonely girl. It is what she will always be because it was how she was born. You were never meant to pull her out of her bubble, so she knows that this is how things are meant to be.

  
  


x

  
  


It’s a reunion filled with bloodshed and tragedy.

She’s failed her mission, and it looked like she was going to die here.

“ANNIE! WHY?! **WHY??!** ” Your voice is hoarse from yelling, being held back by Jean’s arms. You don’t know what to feel, if it’s hatred or sadness of the events that took place because of her. For killing so many of your comrades, for almost killing Eren, for destroying most of Stohess and all the civilians dead on the streets. No matter what answers you tried to come up with weren’t enough to justify her actions.

Perhaps it was like this from the beginning, maybe you never actually knew who Annie actually was, because she didn’t want you to know. “Damn it Annie…” You're biting your lip so hard drawing blood.

Annie _never_ carried regrets in her heart. As she heard your broken screams call out her name with such torment, she couldn’t help but cry too as crystal surrounds her body. It’s such a despicable and fitting end for her, a thought she barely manages to conjure up. The crystal is cold and for once, she despises the loneliness it brings.

  
  


Annie carries one regret: She wishes she had given up on this stupid mission ages ago, if it meant that the last image of you wasn’t filled with betrayal and pain, but of your smile and pretty eyes, those _dumb_ eyes that saw something normal about her, that made you want to be her friend.

“I was supposed to braid your hair when we saw each other again..” your hiccups clash against Jean’s chest, “n-not to watch you _die!”_

It’s what she wished as well, but fate was cruel to her. She never has the chance to see her father again; this mission was stupid from the beginning.

_Why me?_ She asks herself that ridiculous question for the umpteenth time. _Father…._

Annie wishes she was born on this island of devils a thousand times, as long as it meant that she would meet you again every time.

Annie didn’t want to be alone, she was tired of being lonely, but this was her punishment for her crimes, a prison of isolation. Only this time no one could get in or out, with no chance to start over.

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry._ It’s unclear if she’s apologizing to you or herself.

She can't help but repeat that as the crystal finished hardening, taking away the last of her strength along with it.

_I’m sorry._

  
  
  
  


Annie is a lonely girl, a girl who hates herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. We are 1/3 of the way in this journey, tbh idek how i even managed to write this far, but i think part of it is bc of all of your wonderful comments. Seriously, i could care less abt the numbers and traffic but just conversing w you guys abt the story and aot in general really fills my heart with a lovely feeling. So, thank you to every reader here who took the time to read up until this point, hopefully i can have a more bittersweet cheesy😁😁 message at the 2/3s mark!<3
> 
> Back to da fic,,, i read 137 of the manga and tbh i have some theories of the ending and generally im still trying to develop ideas on how to tie all that drama into a good endgame for mc and eren thats actually plausible. bc dammit! I want happy eren! An eren who no longer self sacrifices for his loved ones despite being painted as the enemy of humanity😭😭😭😭
> 
> The manga ends in april so by then i might have some inspo for how to tie up the ends of this story.
> 
> But enough of that, i hope you guys are okay and safe<3, take care everyone and see u in the next chapter ,,,,💔


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